Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!
by Blackspiderman
Summary: Quickly following the events of "Family Guy's Road Trip", Kyle finally cracks and his mental state deteriorates. Not being able to deal with it, Stan tricks the Griffins into returning to South Park to arrest Peter. Full Summary inside. Rated T.
1. Prologue

**South Park**

**Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!**

**Episode Summary: Taking place right after the end of "Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park", once Peter does one crazy thing too much, Kyle finally cracks, which results in him starting to act like a baby. At first, they just try to deal with it. But when things don't get better, Stan, willing to do anything to defend his best friends, tricks Peter Griffin into coming back to South Park so they can arrest him and try him in court. Now all they have to worry about is if they can snap Kyle out of his baby trance so he can testify against Peter.**

**Meanwhile, upon his return to South Park, Stewie attempts to help Tweek overcome his addiction to coffee.**

**You can really actually consider this "Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park: Part 2" if you want. But it's not an official episode crossover, so that's why it's not under that title. Please do look for this in the "South Park Crossovers" section, though, because despite this not being part of the "Family Guy's Road Trip" series, it is still a crossover with "Family Guy". If you feel I should convert this into a regular South Park story, I shall.**

**Disclaimer: _South __Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-14-DLSV (Rated T on the site)**

* * *

**Prologue**

It was nighttime in the town of South Park. Finally, after a long two weeks of stress and anxiety, everyone is looking forward to a good night's sleep. In fact, nobody was more excited than Kyle Broflovski, our little Jewish friend (Jewish, not retarded).

"Alright, Kyle. We had your door and window locked and sound-proofed, you've got your earplugs, and the Griffins are leaving tonight." Gerald said to his tired son, as he was filling him in on what was going to happen tonight. "There is no way in hell he is going to bother you tonight."

"But dad, you don't know him. He's a crazy maniac!" Kyle warned his father.

"Now Kyle, relax, hon. There's no reason to get all worked up." Sheila assured her stressed out son. "There's leaving in a few minutes, so there's no reason why you shouldn't get a good sleep tonight."

"Thanks mom." The injured and exhausted Jew said as he felt his eyes shutting.

"Frankly, I'm glad they're leaving. I couldn't stand another minute of him." Gerald commented. "He's a f#cking retard for god's sake!"

"I know, but thankfully, they're leaving tonight."

For the most part, Sheila and Gerald were right. The Griffin family were across the street from Kyle's house, and they were packing their things to head out onto the road.

"Oh boy, was this a great two weeks or what!?" Peter said to Brian as they were packing their bags. "I mean, what could be better than this?"

"Spending the rest of your life in a Concentration Camp?" Brian sarcastically said, chuckling a little bit. Expecting a laugh from Peter, he was disappointed when he didn't deliver.

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, Peter, let's recap what you've done." Brian pulled out a notepad and turned to a page where he had written down everything Peter had done while they were in South Park. "You started up a band using the Guitar Hero game series, you got into a fight with Cleveland, destroyed his house twice, put a nine-year old kid in the hispital, sexually harassed him--shall I go on?"

"No thank you." Peter said sarcastically. "I get the point. Sheesh, Brian, so I messed up a little bit. It's not like I _meant _to hurt him."

"Yes, cause I can only imagine what you would've done to him if you actually hated him."

"You know the one thing I can't stand about that kid? H-He's such as sCHtick in the mud."

"He's a what?"

"A sCHtick in the mud. He doesn't like to have fun, he's insecure, basically, he's like the Jews during the Holocaust."

"Peter, he _is _Jewish."

"Oh he is? Oh. Well that explains why he's a trooper."

"Peter, do you even know what you're saying? God, you are a bigger idiot than that guy I saw on Family Feud the other day."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the set of Family Feud, where Richard Dawson, the host, is currently with one of the contestants in the final round of the show._

_"Name an animal with three letters in its name."_

_"Alligator." Was the contestant's response. The audience broke out into seemingly endless laughter, while Richard, fed up, took the man's collar and punched his lights out._

_(End Cutaway)_

As the entire family started packing their baggage into the car, Peter decided to take this opportunity to have one last bit of fun before he left South Park for good. SO he ran over into the open streets, and lit up a bunch of mini-firecrackers. They all exploded into the sky and in just seconds, they spelled out "South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye"! (The exact title of my last story). The word 'Park' was spelled wrong, though.

"Peter, what are you doing?" Brian asked upon seeing the fireworks.

"I'm making one last horrah! See? I lit up some fireworks in the sky."

"I see that. By the way, you spelled 'Park' wrong."

"Whatever. It's the thought that counts. After all, that's what they say about anniversaries."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the entire family sitting at the table, with Lois opening her birthday gift from Peter._

_"Happy birthday, Lois." He said as Lois opened her present. Upon seeing what it was, she was very disappointed, considering that Peter had gotten her a sword...again._

_"Oh goody, another sword." She said sarcastically and unenthusiastically. "Thank you, Peter."_

_"Go ahead. Try it on."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go enjoy my last day in this country."

"Peter we're in Colorodo."

"My point exactly." Peter set down a small boombox and put in a casette, which turned out to be "Cotton Eye Joe", Peter's favorite song other than 'Surfin Bird'. Oh boy, was South Park in for a rude awakening...again.

As soon as the music turned on...well, you can figure out the rest...(and if you can't, you're retarded. You really are retarded)

* * *

The next morning, the Griffins had already left. The music had stopped hours earlier, and they had been on their way before even the paper boy had gone on his route.

The Broflovskis (with the exception of Kyle, of course) were already up and awake at the breakfast table. They were all eating breakfast quietly, and were also eagerly awaiting Kyle to join them, to give them a sign that everything went well and that Kyle had a good night's sleep.

They were almost finished with their breakfast when Kyle finally decided to join them. He was carrying Ike's baby blanket, and looked very worn down. He didn't even sit down when he came in. He just stood there by his mother, whom finally noticed him.

"Well good morning, Kyle." She finally said to him. "How is my little angel today?"

Kyle did not respond. All he did was look up at his mother, and hold his blanket even tighter. After a few minutes of silence, Kyle finally worked up the nerve to respond. And unfortunately, it was catostrophic. He started bawling like a little baby, even plopping on the ground while doing so. Confused, and concerned, both parents ran over to the bawling son to see what exactly the problem was.

"_I wet myselfi!" _Kyle cried out in a babyish tone, whilst still bawling. Sheila and Gerlad both had absolutely no idea what that meant.

"Kyle, what's the matter!?" Sheila cried out, hoping to get a straight answer from Kyle. Instead, all she got was a crying 9-year old, acting like a complete infant. One would suspect that Kyle was acting in this moment of time, but Sheila and Gerald knew Kyle well enough, and knew what he had been through in the past 2 weeks, to know right away that Kyle wasn't acting.

"Kyle, say something!" But that didn't stop them from wanting to believe that this was all an act. But as Kyle continued crying, they grew more and more worried. "Wait here! I have an idea!" Gerald ran back upstairs into Ike's room, and then came back down quick as a whistle, holding a small, purple teddy bear. He handed the bear to Kyle, whom immediately saw it, stopped crying, and took it from Gerald. The expression on Kyle's face quickly turned from sadness to joy, as he cooed the bear in his arms, and eventually plopped on his back and fell asleep with the bear in his hands.

Sheila and Gerald were apalled, immediately knowing that something wasn't right. "I gotta tell you, Sheila, I was so sure that wouldn't work." Gerald even said, as they left Kyle to sleep on the floor.

* * *

They were all worried about Kyle, so they took him to the doctor's office. Stan and Kenny, upon hearing the news that Kyle was in the doctor's office, immediately rushed over to support their friend. Cartman, for some reason, chose not to come, as he was agonizing over something he had just found out about. (Look for a later chapter).

The wait for the doctor was unbearable. Kyle was on the bench, hugging his teddy bear tightly, smiling from ear to ear. The mere sight of it creeped Stan and Kenny right out. His constant cooing also made them freak out. Finally, the doctor entered the office with his clipboard, looking very displeased, concerned, and just plain horrified.

"Doctor, what the hell is wrong with him!?" Stan immediately asked him.

"Doctor, is my baby alright? Why is he acting like this!?" Sheila asked frantically, hoping that it was just Kyle faking it. The doctor's facial expressions and head shake were not reassuring.

"Mrs. Broflovski, in my 20 years of medical training, I have never, ever seen anything this severe in my entire life. H-Has anything out of the ordinary last night?"

"Well, er, no..."

"Well, that fat guy, Peter Griffin...he-he played some weird music last night, and it-it just like, boomed throughout the neighborhood all night long, so...that might've kept him up." Gerald explained, remembering what the doctor had said the last time they were at the Hospital."

"Uh-huh. And that's it?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"Oh boy...this is just what I feared. Mr. and Mrs Broflovski...I'm afraid your son has had a mental breakdown." The doctor solemly said.

"What do you mean, doctor?"

"Well, we can only assume that the many hours with no sleep, the tension he's been suffering, and the physical as well as mental and emotional trauma overall not just these past 2 weeks, but his entire life...well, led up to this."

"But doctor, what does this mean? Will he ever go back to normal?" Sheila asked.

"In normal circumstances, yes. You see, a mental breakdown is not an official medical term. It instead stands for a sudden attack of a mental illness, including depression or anxiety. Since little Kyle has no previous records of depression, the only thing I can put it as is anxiety or severe strees. Either way it's the most extreme case I've ever seen."

"But is he going to stay like this forever?"

"Well, Mr. Broflovski, this is surely a first for medical history. There has never really been a reported case where a patient suffering from a mental breakdown begins to act like that of an infant. So...there's really no way of knowing right now. I'll run some more tests in the coming days so I can determine if this is permanent or not."

"So where do we go from here?" Gerald asked, obviously worried sick about his son's condition.

"What I would recommend right now is to treat Kyle like you would treat any other infant child. It would be naive to treat him like a 4th grader considering he's acting nowhere near that barrier right now. Think of him as your newborn son...with a mental disease. But, there is a bright side to this."

"What bright side?"

"_I'm _still rich! Yay me!" Then he proceeded to jump up and down like a little girl and clap his hands really quickly, with Stan giving him the finger.

"So doc, what you're saying is...my best friend...is a brat?"

"Well when you put it that way it makes him sound like a douche, but yeah, that pretty much hits the nail on the hammer." The doctor replied, flat tone. Stan, Sheila, and Gerald all had a hard time dealing with this, with Sheila crying her eyes out, and Stan just plain grossed out. Kenny, however, was a different story. Instead of bawling or throwing up his guts, he simply slowly left the room, stood out in the hallway, opened up his parka hood, pulled out a gun, and shot himself in the head. Thankfully he didn't die, but the paramedics were forced to put him into intensive surgery that day.

**Coming up: They all try to cope with Kyle in his newly distraught mental state. But will they be able to take it?**

**Expected Update: June 1st.**

**Next Update: Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle! -- June 1st.**


	2. Crybaby

**South Park**

**Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!**

**Chapter 1: Crybaby**

**A/N: Make sure you check my profile under "Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!" for a sub-plot change! I am changing the sub-plot from involving Tweek to Butters. Make sure you read about that, because if you complain that I 'lied to you about the plots', I will report you, because you are being warned here.**

**Disclaimer: _South __Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-14-DLSV (Rated T on the site)**

* * *

"Dialogue"

_'Thoughts', __Long-distance conversations (such as on the phone), song lyrics, or cutaways/flashbacks_

(Kenny's lines)

**_"Voice-overs, either from a flashback in present time, or from present time during a Flashback."_**

* * *

After the doctor's appointment, Stan, Kenny, Sheila, and Gerald were all left shocked and dismayed at what they had heard. So, they decided to take Kyle back home and see where to go from there.

Kyle had fallen asleep with the bear in his hands on the car ride home, so Sheila and Gerald put their sleeping son to bed, still holding the bear, of course, and then gathered them along with Stan and Kenny in the living room.

"N-Now boys, I know this must be very difficult for you to deal with right now," Gerald began to say, trying to break the awkwardness of the silence in the room. "And-And believe me, it's equally as hard for his mother and I, too."

"But you heard the doctor. Right now, the best thing for us to do is just to go along with this. After all, it may not be permanent. But until it wears off, we'll just have to live with this. I mean, he's still the same old Kyle, just...less mature. My god, this is even worse than when your father," He turned to Stan. "Ran him over."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the Marsh residesnce, where a very drunken Randy Marsh is leaving his home with a half-empty beer bottle in one hand and his car keys in the other. __He drags his feet all the way to his car, opens the door, starts his car, and slowly begins to swirve back and forth in his driveway, before finally pulling out. _

_Meanwhile, one house down, Kyle Broflovski is taking out the trash at his home. He is pulling the trash can at his home out towards the street, struggling, might I add, when Randy slams on his gas pedal, and starts driving ridiculously fast towards Kyle, and eventually hits him head on, knocking him a few feet back and to the ground, unconscious._

_(End Cutaway)_

All of a sudden, their cutaway was interrupted with the sound of Kyle crying again. Gerald sighed heavily as he ran up the stairs to see what the problem was. This time around, Kyle was hungry, so Gerald had to take Kyle into the kitchen, and fill up one of Ike's baby bottles with baby formula to feed Kyle with.

It was very awkward to watch and see Gerald feed Kyle like a little baby. "Dude, what the hell!?" Stan exclaimed. "He has to be _fed_ like a baby, too."

"(Well, what did you expect!?)" Kenny shouted. "(He's lost his mind, for f#ck's sake!)"

"Oh sorry for thinking my best friend at least had _some_ common sense left in him! I mean, he can't be totally a baby, can we?"

"But Stanley, you heard the doctor." Sheila reminded him.

"I know I know! It's just...It's hard for me to see my best friend like this."

"(Well, at least he's alive. I mean, think of how hard is was for Jennifer Hudson to accept that her mother and brother were killed.)"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Jennifer Hudson outside her mother's home in Chicago, Illinois, where the dead bodies of her mother, Darnell Donerson, and her brother, Jason Hudson, are being taken out of the home. Jennifer is crying into her sister, Julia Hudson's chest because she was crying so loudly. Julia was trying to comfort her sister._

_"It's OK. Shh, it's OK, Jen." She said in between Jennifer's sobs. "It's not your fault, baby. It's not your fault. You couldn't have known. You couldn't have done anything to stop this."_

_At that moment, Vern and Johnny, a vaudeville duo, appeared, with Johnny on the piano, and Vern doing the talking. "She's right." He said immediately, and then pointed the finger at Julia. "But there is something that **you**could've done. If you hadn't left that bastard William Balfour, none of this would've happened." Julia and Jennifer both gasped. "That's right. That bastard's the one responsible for those two ghastly murders in there. I mean, who else would want to kill such a filthy whore and a mediocre douchebag!? How are these random outburts doing ya?"_

_"Hmm, not bad." Julia commented._

_"Could be worse."_

_"Great. Play me off, Johnny!" Vern cued the pianoist, Johnny, to start playing, as he started dancing around in place._

_(End Cutaway)_

Meanwhile, in the kithen, Gerald was feeding Kyle his baby formula, which he was enjoying very much, like any real baby would. After the bottle was finished, Gerald had to burp Kyle and after that he fell asleep again. Frustrated, Gerald decided to put Kyle on the couch to sleep with his toy bear.

"Boy I am sure as hell glad Cartman isn't here to see this." Stan commented after Kyle was laid down on the couch.

"(Yeah, he would've never let Kyle live this down, that fat son of a bitch!)" Kenny added, with a hint of anger and frustration in his muffled voice. "(He's always ripping on Kyle for being Jewish.)"

"Yeah, but this would definitely take the cake. I mean, dude, for god's sake, Kyle's not even acting like himself."

"(Hey, where_ is_Cartman, anyway?)"

"I'm not sure, dude. I haven't seen him in a couple of days. I hope this means he got hit by a train and died or something."

* * *

Sadly, though, that was not the case. Cartman, instead, was hurled up in a fetal position in his room, with the lights off and the door locked. He was too busy remenising on something devestating that he had been told just a couple of days ago.

_(Cue Flashback)_

_The sky was pitch-black, meaning it was the dead of night. Eric Cartman was at his computer, eating Cheesy Poofs (A South Park Spoof of Cheetos), not giving a care for anything in the world, not even for Kyle, who was currently in the hospital._

_His mother, Liane Cartman, knocked on his door twice before entering. "Eric, honey, can I talk to you for a minute?"_

_"Sure mom." He replied in his usual nasally and "Sure-I'll-listen-but-I-don't-really-give-a-crap-though" tone. _

_"Honey, do you remember way back when you found out that I was actually your father instead of your mother?"_

_"Uh-huh."_

_"And that I had no idea who your real mother way?"_

_"Yeah..." Cartman was beginning to get suspicious, trying to figure out where Liane was going with this._

_"Well...it made seem weird to hear this from me, but," Liane stepped into the room slowly, and a moment later, was followed by Peter Griffin, who had his hair completely redone to match that of a pretty lady. He was also wearing earrings, high heels, and a dark blue dress. "I think I found your mother."_

_"(Gasp)! Oh my god, it's you!" Peter, or 'Patricia', as he was known in this...er, state, squealed. "My little Eric! Oh how I've missed you!" Peter 'Patricia' ran over to Eric and immediately picked him up and started smothering him with hugs and kisses. "Oh how it's great to see you again! You're a lot fatter than I remember."_

_Eric Cartman is not normally offended by anything, especially by Peter Griffin or his crazy antics. But...the moment he saw Peter in that blue dress...his brain stopped and his heart started racing. Though he kept quiet on the outside, on the inside, he was screaming his balls out._

_(End Flashback)_

Cartman couldn't get the thought out of his head. Peter Griffin...the man he tried to defend one week ago...is his mother...

**A/N: I'm sure you're all thinking..._How the f#ck is that possible!?_ Well, stay tuned for future chapters and it'll make sense.**

Every time he tried to think about something else, the thought came back to haunt him.

_**I think I found your mother.**_

_'God, that guy looked awful in the dress'_. Cartman thought to himself. _'Doesn't he know that shade of blue clashes with his eyes?'_

_**Oh my god, it's you! My little Eric!**_

Cartman was now angry at the fact that the man he was defending because of his antics towards Kyle...actually mothered him when he was a baby.

**_You're a lot fatter than I remember._**

**_My little Eric! _**

**_My little Eric! _**

**_My little Eric! _**

**_My little Eric! _**

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" The thoughts continued to haunt Cartman until he finally just let one a giant scream and started going crazy in his room. He even destroyed his night light, and trashed his computer. Liane came up and opened the door to see what the commotion was.

"Eric, honey? Are you OK? What's the matter?"

"Matter? I'll tell you what the matter is!" He shouted as he raced towards his father. (Wow, I cannot believe I just typed that). "The man I was rooting for a week ago because he was harrassing a Jew is my mother! So NO! I am not OK!"

"Now Eric, dear, I understand that this is hard for you to take, but-"

"No, No mom! No!" Cartman took a deep breath before continuing. His tone was now still harsh, but much less than it was. "It was hard for me to deal with the fact that you're actually my dad! It was hard for me to deal with the fact that those bullsh#t doctors gave me HIV infected blood. But this...this is just f#cked up! You hear me!? It's f#cked up!!"

"Oh, I knew you wouldn't be OK with it."

"Mom, do I _look_OK!? I look like a f#cking caveman! I'm big-boned, stupid, and I have transexual parents! How is that OK!?"

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Kyle's house, Stan and Kyle, who was still in his 'baby' mental state, were watching TV. Stan was flipping through the channels, while Kyle was busy playing with his toy, throwing it up in the air and giggling as it came down.

"Man, this is what I hate about weekends!" Stan said to nobody in particular. "There's never anything to watch." Frustrated, he threw the remote onto the floor, just as it flipped to the Canada Channel, as an episode of "Handi-quacks" was about to start. As soon as the theme song started playing, Kyle's attention immediately turned to the TV.

Sheila and Gerald came into the room to see what the boys they were doing.

"Whatcha' watching, boys?" SHeila asked.

"This new show that fat guy made called "Handi-quacks". It's about a bunch of disabled ducks who're best friends or something."

Gerald commented. "Who would want to watch a bunch of ducks in wheelchairs?"

"Face it. TV networks will take anything these days. I mean, FOX took that show about a school and the idiots in them (**Sit Down, Shut up**), and that one made out of construction paper made by two bisexuals." (**South Park**)

Meanwhile, on the TV...

_"Dammit!_" Yelled Red-hiney monkey. "_Why won't this house of cards stay up?_"

"_It's probably because of our sweaty palms._" Poopy-face Tomato Nose replied. "_It's our new heater that I bought._"

"_How did you afford that new stove again?_" Kernel Tushfinger asked.

"_Easy. I just went into the hardware store and said 'Put it on my bill'._"

Stan, Sheila, Gerald, and Kenny laughed a little bit at the joke, finding it both funny and porfane-free. "Hey, this is kinda funny."

"Yeah, it's sure better than that Canadian show." Sheila agreed as she picked up the remote off the floor. "Let's see what else is on."

Sheila turned the channel to the Discovery Channel, and as soon as it came on, Kyle, noticing that it wasn't "Handi-quacks", immediately started bawling. Being startled by Kyle's insane crying, Sheila put back "Handi-quacks" as fast as her fingers would let her. Upon seeing the ducks again, Kyle resumed giggling playfully. Stan cupped his forehead in frustration, and even had to step outside to clear his head. Kenny followed him to see what the problem was.

"(Dude, are you alright?)" Kenny asked when he got outside. Stan turned around a his angry expression surprised Kenny.

"Dude, my best friend is in there acting like a little kid. He can't think for himself, he can't feed himself, he can't play with himself--don't you laugh! And quite frankly, I'm getting pissed off!"

"(Come on, man! You saw what happened when that fat retard was here! He went totally crazy!)"

"I-I know. I'm just pissed, that's all. I mean, why Kyle!? Why couldn't he had tortured some other kid, like Craig, or Clyde, or even Cartman."

"(So what? You're just gonna go off and pout like when Wendy dumped you!? Or even go home and avoid your best friend like you did when I was dying?)" **(Kenny Dies)**

"But that's different, dude! You die all the time!"

"(Yeah, because of _freak accidents_! I had a f#cking muscular disease, you ungratful sh#t!)"

"OK, OK, I see your point. Look, Kyle's my best friend. Of course I'm gonna stand by him. I just wish he would go back to normal so we can get on with our lives. I mean, this is just like the way Aquaman abuses his powers."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to deep in the Pacific Ocean, Aquaman is finishing up a beer. WHen he is done, he throws it to the side and then uses his telepathic powers to call one of his fish friends to his aid. _

_"Yeah?"_

_"Hey, uh, can you, uh, grab me another beer?"_

_"Uh, yeah. Anything else? Maybe, uh, you know, a TV Guide, maybe-maybe another pillow for your feet--"_

_"UH actually, you--actually, you know what, get me, like a Duer's n' Soda. And uh, you know, uh, try to keep the saltwater out of it, if you could."_

_"Try to kee-Try to keep the saltwater--"_

_"Yeah."_

_We're surrounded by saltwater, you know, I don't thi--"_

_"I know, I'm just sa-I'm just sayi-I'm just saying 'try'."_

_"Yeah, OK, I'll try." The fish was becoming aggrivated. "You want me to wipe your ass, too?"_

_"Oh wow, that's a helpful tone."_

_"Yeah, I'm just saying, you know, you're kind of abusing your powers, don't you think--"_

_"You know what--You know what, actually, this is all time that could be spent getting me my beverage."_

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

Later that day, at around 7 pm, where it was still light out (Barely, though), Stan and Kenny had came back to Kyle's house, this time, though, with a plan to get Kyle to go back to normal.

Stan and Kenny found Kyle sitting on the couch, playing with a coloring book and crayons. He was going outside the lines but he didn't care because he was a baby.

"Hey Kyle." Stan said calmly to Kyle. "Whatcha' doin'?"

"Coloring." Kyle stuttered to say, as his baby mental state prevented him from talking like a regular nine-year old. Stan neared him as he pulled out a Guitar Hero game controller.

"Hey Kyle, remember this?" He asked him, putting the controller next to Kyle. "Remember when we used to play Guitar Hero together and we got signed on by record dealers and all that stuff?" (**Guitar Queer-o)**

Kyle paid no attention to Stan, as he was focused on his coloring. Stan, growing frustrated, took out another piece of Kyle's past...a cigarette. **(Butt Out)**. "OK, then remember this? Huh? This is from the time you tried to smoke with us?" Still, no response from Kyle. He just continued to draw in his coloring book. Now even more frustrated, Stan made one last attempt by showing him an old tape of a "Family Guy" episode he had recorded. **(In this fanfiction series, the Family Guy that is crossing over and the Family Guy that they watch are two totally different shows)**

"Hey Kyle, do you remember this?" Stan asked, as he took the crayons from Kyle's hand and replaced them with the tape. "Remember this? This is from the time you stopped Cartman from getting a "Family Guy" episode pulled. Huh? Remember? Terrorist attack."

This did draw Kyle's attention for a brief moment. He did ponder on it, before finally responding. "Lookie, I drew a horsie!" Kyle pulled out the paper from his coloring book and gave it to Stan, who studied it for a moment. It reality, it was not a horse, but some fat guy (probably Peter) being hanged. Finally fed up, Stan threw the paper in Kyle's face.

"Dammit, Kyle! What's with you!? I'm trying to get you to be my friend again! I don't want a stupid, spoiled baby as my best friend! Especially if it's some stuck-up spoiled Jew!"

The word 'Jew' coursed through Kyle's ears like a bad lasagna coursed through a guy's intestines. Kyle pondered on it for a moment, and then...as if by magic, his brain suddenly started putting itself back together: Kyle's thoughts, his reasoning, his emotions, his senses....they all came back. And his first reaction as the old Kyle...was to pounce on Stan for calling him a Jew. So he took the Guitar Hero controller and started hitting Stan in the head hard with it.

"Don't ever call me a stuck-up spoiled Jew! You got that!?" Kyle shouted at the top of his lungs, which caused Stan to scream and Kenny to be frightened as well. It wasn't as loud or as scary as when he was beating up Cartman, but it was obvious that the pain and suffering and rage that had been building up inside of Kyle was still there. Sheila and Gerald raced down from upstairs upon hearing Kyle's screams, and saw Kyle viciously beating Stan up. They raced over to him and pulled him aside to stop him from hurting him anymore. It took a while for Kyle to regain his breath and his reasoning. But once he finally did, he saw that Stan was hurt, and then his Guitar Hero controller was covered in scratches and even a little bit of blood.

He dashed over to Stan to see if he was OK. "Stan!? OH my god!? What happened!?"

"Dude, _you _happened!" Stan rebutted angrily, wiping blood from his mouth. But underneath all that anger, Stan realized that Kyle was talking in his regular voice again, and Stan was ecstatic to see that. "Hey, what a minute...Kyle, you're not a baby anymore!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kyle genuinely had no idea whta had happened that day. All he remembered was getting kncoked unconscious and then going to the hospital.

"Dude, are you serious? Y-You seriously don't remember?"

"No. What am I supposed to be remembering?"

"(Dude, you f#cking cracked, man.)" Kenny told him.

"What?"

"(Yeah. Y-You broke down or something and started acting like a little baby all of a sudden. We've been trying all day to get you back to yourself.)"

"R-Really?"

"Uh-huh. It was horrible, man, and I think that Griffin guy had something to do with it."

"What do you mean?"

"What do you think? Because of him, you stressed out so much over what he was going to do next. You spent an entire week worrying about him because he was totally insane."

"I know what you mean. But, you know, it wasn't totally his fault. I mean, he was right. I _did_ get overly-crazy back there."

"But dude, who wouldn't? That guy's a total asshole!"

"True."

"And besides, w-what if he comes back? I mean, he was just here 2 weeks. THat's nothing! What if he and his family move here for, like, good?"

"OH don't even start -- Don't even start on that!! That is _NOT _going to happen!!"

"ANd how do you know, smartass?"

Kyle's face was shaken for a moment. "I--I--"

"Look, there's no way of knowing if he'll come back or not, a-and he probably won't! But...we have to make sure! We have to send him somewhere where he can't bother anyone ever again!"

"Stan, what are you saying?"

"(Yeah, dude, what the are you saying?)"

"I'm saying...we have to sue him! We have to sue him for everything he's got! It's the right thing to do, and it's completely foolproof -- not like that time Dad tried to get me to be an 'astronaut'."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the big, open sky. Not a cloud is in sight, and the only thing that is up and about is Stan...whose father actually tied a balloon to him, and carried him up into the sky, to no one's acknowledgement. Stan was screaming at the top of his lungs and flailing his arms about like an idiot hoping to get someone's attention. All of his attempts were unsuccessful._

_(End Cutaway)_

**End of Chapter 1!**

**Next Time: Stan devises up a scheme to draw Peter into coming back to South Park. Will it work, and will Kyle ever get peace?**

**Expected Update: June 4th.**


	3. A Date with the Law

**South Park**

**Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!**

**Chapter 2: A Date with the Law**

**Disclaimer: _South __Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-14-DLSV (Rated T on the site)**

* * *

"Dialogue"

_'Thoughts', __Long-distance conversations (such as on the phone), song lyrics, or cutaways/flashbacks_

(Kenny's lines)

**_"Voice-overs, either from a flashback in present time, or from present time during a Flashback."_**

* * *

Meanwhile, hundreds of miles out of South Park, the Griffin family were happily on their way to their next stop on their road trip. Even though the events of the past few weeks were clearly traumatizing to everyone, including Peter, they all seemed to just forget about it and tried to move on, though in reality, Peter was the only one who truly had let go of the situation, while the others still had some dreadful thought on it.

"Ah, the open road." Peter said as he looked out the car window and saw nothing but the clear horizon. "Isn't this great, guys? I feel just like the Jonas Brothers. I get to travel, _and_ I'm a musician."

"Peter, for the love of god, you are not a musican. You used the "Guitar Hero World Tour" game series with Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe to cheat your way to rock stardom." Brian explained to him. "You lied to everyone and caused a little boy so much distress. Besides, that game is for fags!"

Peter looked over at Brian for a moment, glaring at him angrily. After a moment of that, Peter turned his attention back to the steering wheel. He saw no reason to have to push it farther than it already was (if only he had that kind of common sense in South Park, know what I mean?). "You're a fag." Was his only response to Brian, whom was taken back by this. It was very offensive...and confusing, considering that "fag" really means "cigarette".

"Boy, Peter, I don't think I could remember a time where you've sunk lower than this...well, except for maybe, that one time..."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the dressing room of a wedding chapel. One of the vowal renewal planners comes in to check on Peter._

_"Mr. Griffin, you're on in t-OH MY GOD!" He screams as soon as he sees Peter. Not only is Peter Griffin extremely intoxicated, but he is also...naked...sort of. Actually, his wedding tuxedo is **painted on**, which means that he had painted on himself so it would look like he was wearing his tux._

_"Oh-Oh hey, you." He said, extremely slurring his speech. "W...here's-Where's my wife. I-I'm supposed...I'm supposed to renew my-my vows tonight."_

_"Um...that's...that's what I came in here to tell you, though. You're supposed to be at the altar in 10 minutes. Mr. Griffin, why the hell aren't you in your tux?"_

_"Wh-Wh-Wha-sure I am. Can't you tell? S-See? I got the...the uh, uh....oh god, what's the word I'm looking for? Uh...." Before Peter could finish his sentence, he threw up on the floor, and collapsed. THe planner left the room in disgust and went to cancel the vowal renewal._

_(End Cutaway)_

"Hey, hey, that was _not_ my fault."

"Peter, you got drunk on your vowal renewal day! How the hell is it not your fault!?"

"I blame the Australians."

The car came up on a nearby gas station, and since the car was running low on gas, they decided it was best to stop and fill up. Brian, Stewie, Chris, and Meg went into the nearby convinience store to pick up some snacks, while Lois and Peter stayed to fill up their gas tank.

While he was filling up the gas tank, Peter's phone began ringing, with his ring-tone being "Cotton-Eyed Joe". Peter picked up his cell phone. "Y'ello?" Meanwhile, on the other line was Kyle, and he was prank calling Peter in an attempt to bring him back to South Park.

"_Uh, yes, good day sir._" He said into the phone, disguising his voice as that of Shaquille O'Neal. "_I'm NBA all-star Shaquille O'Neal, and I'm hosting a contest over the phone for a chance to win a day with the great Shaquille O'Neal."_

"Wow, really?" Peter squealed excitedly, despite the fact that he always mistook Shaquille O'Neal for Zack Efron. "That's great! What do I have to do?"

_"Um..."_ Kyle struggled to think of something on the spot. "_All you have to do is...answer a trivia question_. _Uh..._" Now Kyle had the difficult task of thinking of a trivia question that Peter would have to answer...which is kind of ironic when you think about it because all Kyle had to do was think of an easy question (though Peter _still_ had difficulty with those, too).

"Dude, he's a retard! Just think of something!" Stan whispered to him.

Kyle still had difficulty thinking of something, as he was still recovering from his ordeal (from those sleepless nights to the baby part) and finally just blurted out, "_I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10._"

"Uh...Uh...seven..." Peter guessed off the top of his head.

"_Yes, that's right."_ Ironically, 7 really was the number that Kyle was thinking off at the moment.

"Are you serious? You mean I got it right!?"

"_Yeah._"

"OH my god! This is the happiest day of my sad life!" Peter squealed in glee at his...er, achievement. Lois cleared her throat, hoping that Peter would correct himself, and instead say that the day he married her was the happiest day of his life. "This is the happiest day of my sad life!" But he did not. "Yay me!" He started to clap his hands really fast for a few seconds before getting back on the phone. "WHat's my prize?"

"_Well...a whole day with me, Shaquille O'Neal, of course! All you have to do is come to Colorodo and meet me in the town of South Park. Look for the police car parked in front of South Park Elementray_."

"Hmm...you know, I just left there, but if that's what it takes to hang out with my favorite Opera Singer, then so be it." Peter said in an acceptance tone. He hung up his cell phone and yelled inside the store. "Hey kids, finish up! We're heading back to South Park!"

"What? WHy would we do that?" Lois asked curiously, wanting to know what Peter was talking about on his phone.

"I just won a contest where the prize is a free day with Shaquille O'Neal."

"Peter, that's great. But why do we have to go back to Colorado?"

"Because Shaquille told me specifically to go back to South Park and meet him over by South Park elementary so we could spend the day together! Oh boy, this is gonna be so much fun! Definitely much better than that time we went up in that hot air balloon."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to up in the sky, up in a hot air balloon is Peter and his family (excluding Brian and Stewie). Peter is standing on the edge of the basket with a rope that he had meant to tie around his waist so he could fly, but instead he had accidentally tied it around his neck._

_"Peter, are you sure this is safe?" Lois asked._

_"Sure I am, Lois. It's simple. I have a rope tied to my stomach so it holds me while I jump off this ledge and soar through the air like Superman and see if I can't piss off Chris Reeve a little bit." He explained to Lois as he prepared himself to jump. It was only at this time did Lois notice that the rope was around his neck._

_"Um, but Peter, y-your rope, it's..."_

_"Too late!" He yelled quickly as he jumped off the ledge, and when the time came around, the rope tightened around his neck and he began struggling to breath. He had absolutely no idea that the rope was around his neck (which was strange because he was the one that tied it around his neck), and eventually he fell unconcious and stayed that way, hanging in the air by the rope around his neck, for the next 5 hours. People on the ground that saw this couldn't help but stare and make crude remarks. (Which were all very true)_

_(End Cutaway)_

Over in South Park, Kyle had just hung up on Peter, having done what he needed to do. He was still very baffled at how simple it was to lure him in. "Wow, that was easy."

"What'd I tell you, dude? He's retarded, he'll fall for anything." Stan told him, knowing that they had just succeeded in luring Peter back to the town.

"Well, now what do we do?"

"We wait. It's only a matter of time until we see a pink car coming up the streets and slamming into a--"

_SLAM! SCREECH! CRASH!_

In no time at all, a pink car did come up the street at break-neck pace, and indeed did slam int a house...Cleveland's house (you shoulda seen that coming) The entire front of his house was destroyed when Peter crashed his car into it, and the resulting shockwave caused the debree from his house to crumble and fall to the ground. It revealed that he was in the bathtub when this happened, and as if it wasn't already a big enough disaster, the debree holding up the floorboard also fell.

The floorboard started tipping towards the ground and his bathtub started sliding. "No, no, NO, NO, NO, **NO!**" He yelled as his bathtub with him in it fell to the ground, the tub breaking in the process. Cleveland, in his dazed state, had no idea what was going on. Peter, in his drunken state, came out of the car and walked over to the naked and scared Cleveland.

"H-He-Hey SH-Shaq, i-it's me. It's me, Peter Griffin." Peter slurred greatly, mistaking Cleveland for Shaquille O'Neal. "I-I-I'm the winner of your c-contest. Come on, p-put some clothes on and let's have a good time."

"Peter, it's me, Cleveland. You broke my house. _Again_." Cleveland sharply reminded Peter.

"O-Oh don't be so h--do-don't be so hard on yourself, Shaw? W-We all have bad days. I remember this one time...me...me and my friends, we-we-oh god, what was it? Ahh. Ah-Oh god. Oh yeah! I remember this one time my friends and I...we-we...we...oh screw it. Here's a list of celebrities I don't like."

The screen then cut to black, and started scrolling up a list of random celebrities, as listed below.

Stephen Dorff  
Justin Timberlake  
Dane Cook  
Chris O'Donnell  
Geoffrey Chaucer  
Kathy Griffin  
Andy Samberg  
Elisabeth Hasselbeck  
Andrew McCarthy  
Rita Coolidge  
David Arquette  
Carlos Mencia  
Amy Winehouse  
every rapper  
Ethan Hawke  
Dax Shepard  
Toby Keith  
Joe Francis  
Princess Diana  
Chris Martin  
Chris Martin again  
Chris Martin's parents  
Eve Plumb  
Bonnie Franklin  
Kate Beckinsale  
Freddie Prinze Jr.  
Suri Cruise (Tom Cruise's daugther)  
that forehead guy from _The Office_ (Rainn Wilson)  
Garry Marshall  
Paul Tsongas  
Chris Martin's ancestors

The screen returned to the episode, which showed Cleveland still explaining to Peter...or trying to...that--

"Peter, I am _not_ Shaquille O'Neal! Why can't I make you understand!?"

Frustrated with him, Cleveland couldn't wait to get some clothes on and just tackle Peter to the ground. Fortunately, he didn't have to, as several South Park police officers came in and started beating the crap out of Peter; one of them even hit Peter hard in the head, enough to break him out of his drunken trance. Well, not really, but it did bring his common sense back to a degree/ "Hey-Hey, what's going on? Wh-Why are your body guards beating me up?"

"Peter Löwenbräu Griffin, by the power invested in the police department of South Park, Colorodo, you are hereby under arrest!" One of the police officers shouted as he handcuffed Peter and had him walking towards one of the police cars. Everyone, including the family from their car, and everyone else inside Kyle's house, ran outside to see this.

"Excuse me, what are you doing with my husband!?" Lois asked in fear.

"What does it look like? We're arresting him."

"But you can't just--"

"Ma'am, we have a warrant for your husband's arrest. It was issued and demanded by an annonymous name. And besides, even if we didn't, we still would have good reasons for arresting him." THe officer pulled out a list of offenses Peter commites. "Uh, let's see -- 1,572 counts of child pornography against a Broflovski, Kyle, uh, 7 counts of destruction of property, fraud, illegal use of copyrighted music, and the murder of little Kenny McCormick."

"Oh come on, he dies all the time!" Peter pointed out. "What are you, a douchebag?"

While Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Sheila, Gerald, Randy, and Sharon, whom were all watching this, were enjoying seeing Peter get arrested, Lois and the family (excluding Stewie of course) found it horrifying to see him have to be taken away like this. "Mr. Griffin, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up this right, anything you say can and will be used in the court of law. You also have the right to a lawyer. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be assigned to you. Do you understand and accepts these rights as I have read them to you?"

"N-NO! Look, I-I don't even know what I did wrong!?"

"Are you serious? Are you f#cking serious!?" He roared to Peter as he shoved him into the car. "You're an idiot!" Was the last thing he yelled to his face before he got into the driver's seat and drove off to the police station. Everyone watched.

"Oh this is awful!" Lois cried as everyone else came over to her.

"Why?" Stan asked. "You saw what he did these past weeks, why is this bad?"

"Well, while I do agree that he might have gone a little overboard with what he did, but dammit, that's still my husband!"

"A little!?" Kyle snarled, aggrivated that Lois would still defend him. "He took pictures of my naked ass in front of my parents and then posted them on the internet all over the globe, drove me insane, killed Kenny, destroyed nearly half the homes on my block, and put me in the hospital. How is that _a little_!?"

"Jeez, Kyle, he's going to jail, isn't he?" Stan said, trying to calm the tense boy down. "That's what we wanted. Don't get your ass in a knot or anything."

"Again, you say that like it's bad." Stewie interrupted Stan, still sexually attracted to Kyle. "I mean, wouldn't that make it easier to grab it when you're humping them? I mean, when you're in bed with them, and they're alseep and then they turn on their side and you see their ass right in front of you, y-you know, you just want to grab it and tell them everything's going to me OK, especially when they're depressed or something."

"The hell's wrong with you? Are you trying to be sexy? 'Cause you're not!" Kyle shouted.

"Whoa, man, you're angry at _him_, not_ me_. No wonder people don't like you very much."

* * *

Later that night, Brian was up and on the phone, calling to see if he could get a lawyer for Peter. Despite all that's happened, Brian still wanted to defend his best friend, but unfortunately, he wasn't having any luck.

"Uh, yes, may I speak to Ivana?" And the worst part of it was that this time around he was being pranked. "Is there anyone by the name of Ivana? Last name "Shake my ass at those pesky Russians. Hello?" On the other line, the guy on was laughing his head off, with Brian having just walked into his trap. "Oh screw you, you c#nt!" Brian screamed into the phone, frustrated as it was. He was not about to put up with any crap from this guy anymore. And thankfully, he wasn't going to.

Unfortunately, it was simply because the other guy on shot himself in the head just seconds later. Brian hung up the phone and groaned in frustration, rubbing his temples. Stewie came into the room and took a seat at the table. "Hey, come on, pal. There's no reason to be so worried."

"Yes there is, Stewie. I've been through 24 lawyers in the past 3 hours, and they're all either retarded or Polish."

"I'm sure one'll come by eventually."

"The trial's tomorrow."

"Ohhhhh, that changes everything. SO, what are you going to do?"

"I have no idea! I'm running out of options. I mean, the only thing I can do at this point is let the state pay for a lawyer for Peter. Hey, where is he anyway? DIdn't they let him out of prison until the trial?"

"Yes, but then he was arrested again for reckless driving."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter coming out of his house, the sky is dark, and mostly everyone is in their homes. Peter gets into his car, and starts it up. He does not hesitate to get on the road, and starts driving at about 110 mph. He drives all around the town and eventually gets up to a speed of 120 mph before he ends up on the "Unfinished Road" of South Park (**similar to the one seen in "The City on the Edge of Forever")**. There, another car sits. It is Cleveland's car, and it is broken down. Cleveland is busy desperately trying to get the auto shop on the line when all of a sudden, and without warning, Peter smashes into him and causes Cleveland's car to go towards the edge, just barely hanging on. _

_The car began to tip over the edge towards the dump, which was about 532 feet down. "No, no, NO, NO, NO, **NO!**" He shouted as the car tipped over and feet 500+ feet and crashes at the bottom. The crash was so hard, Cleveland could only open his door and step out before falling unconscious._

_(End Cutaway)_

**End of Chapter 2!**

**Next Time: The court day is close, and the moment of truth is arriving. What will happen in one of the most f#cked up trials in history (and I'm serious. Just wait for what I have in store for these people).**

**Expected Update: June 3rd.**

**Next Update: Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle! -- June 3rd.**

**Until then, Read & Review!**


	4. Evil, Thy Name is Griffin

**South Park**

**Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!**

**Chapter 3: Evil, Thy name is Griffin**

**Disclaimer: _South __Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-14-DLSV (Rated T on the site)**

* * *

"Dialogue"

_'Thoughts', __Long-distance conversations (such as on the phone), song lyrics, or cutaways/flashbacks_

(Kenny's lines)

**_"Voice-overs, either from a flashback in present time, or from present time during a Flashback."_**

* * *

The next day, it was time for the all important trial of _South Park v. Peter Griffin_. It was unbelievable to anyone that the events of Peter's shenanigans would actually end up in the courthouse.

Kyle was extremely nervous about how this would go down. He knew full well he was testifying against Peter, but he wasn't sure if he could go through with it because he wasn't really a mean person. He was just cranky and eager to fit in, that's all (though based on his attitude lately, that's highly debatable).

"Alright, bubby. Today's the big day." Sheila said to her nervous son. Kyle did not get much sleep the night before because he was nervous preparing his testimoney, both for and against Peter. "Are you nervous?"

"A little bit." Kyle responded, looking a bit pale and weary, but mostly because he was nervous and anxious at the same time. "I-I know I want to see him go to prison, but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it."

"Now Kyle, I know you've been through alot. Hell, you've been through more than most boys your age." Gerald explained. "But this man is a filthy pig! He violated you in so many ways, and you have a right as a citizen to testify against him. Don't be afraid, Kyle. We'll be there for you."

Kyle had a reassured smile on his face, as he did feel a little better after that. Though he was still uneasy as he and everybody else walked into the courtroom.

It took a little while for everyone to pile in. The courtroom was filled with hundreds and hundreds of witnesses from both sides. Everyone was anxious about how this trial would go down. Brian was sitting at his plantiff table. Finally, after about a half hour of piling in, Cartman and his mom were the last ones to come in. They, surprisingly, came in on the plantiff's side. He was going to testify against Peter instead of for him. Kyle was very surprised when Cartman came in on his side.

"What are you doing here, Cartman?" Kyle quickly asked. Since his ordeal, he was trying to be calmer, but he didn't want to put up with Cartman's crap today.

"What does it look like, Kyle? I'm here to testify."

"Peter's side is over there, though." Kyle pointed over to his left, to the defendant's side. Cartman was becoming upset at the lack of support from Kyle. Kyle believed Cartman was joking when in fact he wasn't.

"I'm not on Peter's side, Kyle! I swear!" Cartman wanted to convince Kyle he was rooting for him, but Kyle wasn't buying it.

"OH sure you're not." Kyle replied sarcastically, but not harshly. He wasn't about to take any crap from Cartman, but he really wanted to have all the support that he could.

"Look, Kyle, if you don't believe me, that's fine. But I'm telling the truth! After what my mom told me about him, I'd never want to testify for that fag!"

"Oh please, Cartman! You tried to defend him when all of our were against him. So now you expect me to believe you've suddenly had a change of heart? What kind of asshole do you take me for!? I mean, what could've possibly happened that would make you change your mind!?"

Kyle's question was answered almost immediately. The doors swung open and in popped Peter Griffin. OH wait, I'm so sorry. I'm mistaken. I meant, _PATRICIA_ Griffin. That's right! Peter Griffin in his woman form came rushing in. He wore his dark blue dress and diamond earrings and made his way to Cartman. Kyle, along with everyone else including Cartman were mortified upon seeing Peter in that dress. "Hi everybody!" He said with a nasally female voice (like Roger from American Dad). He walked over towards Cartman. "And there's my little man!" He kissed Cartman on his forehead, which made him scream like a little girl.

"Get the hell away from me, you sicko!" Cartman yelled to Patricia.

"Oh come on. Don't be such a sour-puss, or I won't take you to Burger King later!" He giggled as he made his way to the defendant table. Kyle, out of everyone, was probably the most horrified at what he had just saw. Cartman just glaired angrily at Kyle, and crossed his arms. Kyle now felt ashamed for falsely yelling at Cartman.

"Oh wow, I-I guess you weren't lying after all, C-Cartman." He shrugged as he put the pieces together to apologize. "Wow, he-he really looks bad in that color." He tried to change the subject, but it didn't work.

"Kyle, what you just saw was no joke. No joke at all. So when I go up there to give my testimony, of course I'm going to go against him. But I'm also not going to say anything nice about you, Kyle." He scolded Kyle, forcing him to be taken back a bit by this. "After all, after that little display of yours, I don't think you deserve to have aynthing nice said about you from me. You know, you'd be a hell of a lot more fun without that pole up your butt."

"THANK YOU!" Was Stewie's response from the row behind them, which made Kyle glare at him in an awkward way.. "That's exactly what I was telling him the other day. After all, it's about as annoying and unpleasent as it was when we watched that banned Japanese Anime show!"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the Griffin family all sitting on the couch, watching TV. They are watching a Japanese Anime show that...unknown to them (with the exception of Stewie) was banned worldwide due to its known cause of seizures._

_"We now return to Pokemon: Dennō Senshi Porygon." The TV announcer said as the scene switched over to a bunch of fast-flashing lights. This went on for about a minute and a half. While it would seem boring to people in Canada or perhaps the Phillipeans, the Griffins found it most enjoyable (With the exception of Stewie, who was wearing blindfolds)._

_"Huh, this show isn't that bad. I don't understand why it was banned around the world." Lois commented. The fact of the matter was that the entire family with the exception of Stewie of course, did not know about that famous Pokemon episode that was banned worldwide, and they simply mistook it as an innocent episode that the network slaughtered._

_"I know, right? I'm getting so into it! In fact, I'm getting queezy just thinking about it. Come to think of it," Peter felt his head, and it was booming inside. "I'm also getting really light headed." His eyes started dilating heavil, and his breathing was becoming harder and harder, as it sounded like he was now gasping for air a bit._

_"Peter, are you OK?"_

_"Yeah, Lois. I'm-I'm fine. Just got a little headache, that's all."_

_"Yeah, me too." Lois agreed._

_"You know, there's something strange about this show, and I just can't place my finger on it." Brian commented, trying to figure out what they were watching._

_"A-A-And my eyes are getting really b-blurry." Peter's speech was now being slurred._

_"M-Mine too."_

_"All those flashing lights-I-I know I've seen them from somewhere, but I just can't--"_

_"AAAAAAAHH!" Were the desperate and painful screams of first Peter, as he fell to the ground, eyes totally dilated, and now gasping hard for air, and then Lois, who in jut seconds, followed suit. Chris & Meg couldn't help but scream at what they saw._

_"Oh my god! Mom! Dad!" Meg shouted._

_"What's wrong with them!?" Chris asked, worried as hell._

_"Don't worry, they're not dying!" Brian assured them both. "They're just having a...seizure." Brian whispered the last word to himself, as it had then hit him of what they were actually watching. "Oh my god, I know what this is! Guys, this is that infamous banned Pokemon episode that was shown in Japan-"_

_"And it caused 700 viewers to have seizures and ultimately be put in hospitals." Stewie finished._

_"Yeah, a--wait, how'd you know that?"_

_"I watched this episodes online and read a review about it yesterday."_

_"IS that why you're wearing blindfolds."_

_"No, it was the most horrifying and money-wasting crap I have ever laid eyes on in my life."_

_(End Cutaway)_

The judge took his seat, and banged his gavel. "This court will come to order." He said as everyone hushed and took their seats, Brian took immediate notice that neither the plantiff nor the defendant's lawyer were present. He broguht this up to the court.

"Uh, excuse me, sir? I don't mean to sound intrusive, but it seems that neither of us have our lawyers."

"Oh I know that, Mr. Griffin. The town of South Park had the liberty of purchasing a lawyer for each side." As if out of nowhere, the lights suddenly dimmed, and everyone couldn't help but ask questions. "Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the _City of South Park v. Peter Griffin_ defendant lawyer...Dr. James K. Polk!"

And at that moment, a guy in a snazzy blue suit with a briefcase in his hand came walking in. **(This is not only a reference to another one of my favorite shows "Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide", but also to "The Clerks Animated". Since they never actually gave a name for the lawyer used in that episode, when you read this, just picture the lawyer as the one from that episode where Jay sues Dante for $10 Million.)**

"Oh my god! It's Zac Efron!" Peter shouted as the man approached the defendant's table. "Hi, I was a huge fan of your work in "Race to Witch Mountain!"

"Oh boy." Brian said. "This isn't gonna end well."

"ANd now, the plantiff's lawyer. Please give it up for..." And bang the doors wnet oopen and in came in the two least likely people to run a courtroom!

"Oh my god!" Brian shouted.

"Son of a bitch!?" Lois added.

"Is that Cole and Dylan Sprouse from that crappy Disney show?" Chris asked.

"No, you idiot. I-It's those two idiots from 'The Clerks'." Stewie corrected, groaning in frustration as the two clerks,, Dante Hicks and Randall Graves, took their seats at the plantiff's table.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?"

"We're getting paid to do this trial." Randall told him. "What does it look like we're doing?"

"God I'm grateful we're not testifying for _that_ guy." Dante commented, seeing that Peter was currently playing with Star Wars figures.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen...your South Park jury!" The judge shouteda s once again the lights dimmed and the jury came in. It turns out that all of the jury members were all Black, which shocked the hell out of everyone.

Well, in actuality, there were only 10 Black jurers. One of them was actually just wearing a costume to disguise himself as Bernie Mac. The guy was actually an alien from another planet (**Roger from American Dad)**. The other one was a CIA agent sent on this mission to investigate the trial (**Stan also from American Dad)**.

"OH my god, they're all blacK!" Dante exclaimed.

"I think we might have some trouble with Mac." Randall whispered to him, not even realizing that wasn't Bernie Mac and that he had been dead for almost a year now.

"OK," The judge banged his gavel again. "I will now hear the case of _The People of South Park v. Peter Griffin_. Is the defendant ready to give their opening statement?"

"Yes, your honor." Randall said as he stood up and took out a practically blank piece of paper. "In light of recent events, I have compiled a short summary of what I think of our opponent, Peter Griffin." He cleared his throat before reading aloud from the paper. "F#ck you." Was all he said in a calm, natural voice before he sat down, leaving everyone on his side dumbfounded.

"Uh, thank you." Said the judge before he turned to Peter's side. "And now is the plantiff ready?"

"Who?"

"You. You're the plantiff." Mr. Polk said sternly to Peter.

"I'm a plantiff!? Yay me!" Peter started clapping rapidly in a gitty fashion. "Anyway, judge, if it pleases the court, I, Peter Griffin, will be administering my own opening statement. And now, ladies and gentlemen..."

Lois was about to open her mouth and scold Peter for using what she believed was another Conway Twitty gag. However, her mouth was soon shut tight when the doors swung open, and a drunken, tan idiot with sunglasses on and spiky hair came in the door.

"Sanjaya!"

American Idol star Sanjaya came truding in the courtroom, while everyone stared in shock. He made his way to the front of the room, and eye-balled everyone.

"Yo Yo YO! Whaz-Whaz-Whazzup, homles!? My-My Pe-Peter there....that fat guy...that fat guy over there. He's innocent! He-He's innocent! You-You know, all that dungsh#t people's tal-talking about him are...they're just not true! I mean, he's just...he's just a sweet g-guy! He wouldn't even hurt a fly! An-A-A-And if you....And you-And if you can't see that, well...then I-then I hope you all die at the hands of the lord! Thank you!" Sanjaya then managed to climb up onto the table behind him, and then pulled out a gun, and shot himself in the head. He fell forward onto the ground as blood splurted everywhere in the courtroom.

Peter, being the only one who wasn't shocked, dismayed, or disgusted by what he did, calmly stood up and held his arms up. "Thank you." And then sat down as if nothing had even happened.

The judge, already furstrated, bangedd his gavel again. "Alright, this court is adjurned until 9 AM tomorrow where we will continue with this trial." After the judge got up and stepped outside, everyone in the courtroom followed suit.

Everyone was frustrated already, and they weren't sure what was going to happen from there. All they wanted to worry about was how much jail time Peter would get.

Meanwhile, while everyone was piling out of the courtroom, something had caught Stewie's eye. He saw what looked like Butters in his Professor Chaos outfit. He was changing the light bulbs in the wall from those energy-saving ones to the regular ones that pollute our planet. Stewie, rather confused, went over to Butters.

"Hey!" He shouted, causing Butters to drop his bulbs. "What the hell are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing!? I'm committing an evil act!" Was his response, trying to sound like a great, evil villain, but was only sounding like a douchebag to Stewie. "I'm switching the light bulbs in the wall from the ones that save energy to the ones that pollute our planet. This way, they'll slowly give off greenhoses gases to the atmosphere, and then it's only a matter of time before our entire Earth is polluted! MWAH HA HA HA!"

Stewie, despite loving anything having to do with evil, was not impressed at all. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Huh? W-Well I'-I'm just trying to be th-the best evil villain I can."

"You're going at it all wrong! This isn't an evil act. It's a juvenile prank. I should know, I do them all the time on April Fool's Day!"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the kitchen door, where a bucket of water sits. Peter walks through from the living room, and as a result, gets dunked by the water. "Son of a bitch!" He shouts as he grabs the bucket and throws it to the ground in anger._

_(End Cutaway)_

"Look, if you want to improve your talent, it's very simple, really. And I could help you if you want."

"Wow, really? That's great!"

"But-" Stewie shouted as he held out his hand. "My services don't come cheap."

Upon hearing that he would have to pay Stewie for his assistance, Butters sighed in frustration, and reached into his pocket, pulling out loose change. "Let's see, I got...I got $2.79."

Stewie, although he seemed disappointed, took the money out of Butters's hands. "Deal. Oh boy, Butters, they won't know what hit them. By the time we're done, they'll be more exasperated, confused, or suicidal than David Archuleta was when he went on Peter's home-made gameshow? Have you ever heard of a game show called 'I'm a White Guy, Get me the F#ck Off This Game Show'?"

"No."

"OH you woulda loved it. It was hillarious. Peter invented this game where you have to answer trivia questions and if you get them wrong, you either have to risk being shot or have to perform a grueling physical challenge which also results in you getting shot. It was hysterical."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to a run down building where inside, a poorly rehersed game show is being held. Peter Griffin is the host and David Archuleta is the contestant. David has cuts and bruises all over his body, and his clothes are ripped down to the last shred._

_"Alright, Mr. Archuleta, congratulations. It is now my distinct pleasure to tell you that you have officially made it to the end of the game! You've survived the Star Trek obstacle course, the Mr. Belvedere trivial pursuit portion, and the presidential fitness test. Congratulations, you are the top winner!"_

_"But...I'm the only one here." David commented._

_"Yeah I know. Anyway, once again congrats on your victory. And get ready for your prize. The entire game show budget!"_

_"Yes! ALRIGHT!" David shouted, and as he started doing a celebratory victory dance, Peter pulled out some loose change from his pocket and put it on the podium in front of David. He stopped dancing immediately and looked disgusted because after he counted the money, he discovered he had only won a mere 60 bucks. "Th-That's it? 60 bucks!? That's all I've won! I thought you said I won the entire show's budget!"  
"I did, and you have." Peter groaned as he cupped his eyebrows in frustration. "Ahhh, alright, I'm gonna be honest with you. I am running on a minimum-wage budget here. Look, the entire set is made of cardboard. I made up the questions off the top of my head in the trivia part, the Star Trek obstacle course I stole from the Nickelodeon GUTS studio, and I have two dead guys working the lights!"_

_Up by the lights, there were indeed two lifeless bodies, and the lights weren't even on._

_"So, uh, listen, sorry about this, I know you must be disappointed. But uh, at least this is something you can tell your friends about."_

_"But I only won $60 bucks." He looked down and saw his microphone wasn't plugged in. "My mic's not on. We-We-We're not even on TV right now, are we?"_

_"In my mind, we are." Peter then followed his answer with a hysterical blurt out of sobbing, which led to a puddle of tears on the podium! "MOMMY! Why did you anally molest me when I was a child! BWAH HA HA HA!"_

_(End Cutaway)_

**End of Chapter 3!**

**Next Time: The trial continues and Steiwe & Butters's reign of terror begins!**

**Expected Update: June 5th.**

**Next Update: Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle! -- June 5th!**


	5. Getting Nowhere Fast! Literally!

**South Park**

**Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!**

**Chapter 4: Getting Nowhere Fast...Literally!**

**Disclaimer: _South __Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-14-DLSV (Rated T on the site)**

* * *

"Dialogue"

_'Thoughts', __Long-distance conversations (such as on the phone), song lyrics, or cutaways/flashbacks_

(Kenny's lines)

**_"Voice-overs, either from a flashback in present time, or from present time during a Flashback."_**

* * *

It was early next morning, around the hour of 6. Most of the townspeople were still sleeping in their beds, but there two exceptions, for two eager young boys ready to get to their plans of evil for the day.

They were already out by the Bennigan's restaurant, the very same place where Butters commited his very first crime (or at least it's a crime to the Chinese since they don't believe in Werewolves of Mermaids or the Brooklyn Dodgers.)

"Alright, Butters. Now I want you to show me every single thing you did on your first day. We're going to recreate those exact acts into masterpieces of evil." Stewie told Butters as they went inside. "Now, this was the first place you went to on that day, right?"

"Yessir!" He stated proudly, though Stewie wasn't at all impressed.

"OK. Now what exactly did you do?"

"OK. See, I switched two of the soup orders so one guy got minestrone instead of chicken soup, and uh, vise-versa." Butters explained. Being the juvenile child he was, he believed these were the elements of an evil act. But to Stewie, they were just simple child pranks.

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

"That's all you did? Dude, that's not evil! Th-That's not even a prank! W-W-What the hell were you thinking!?"

"Well, I didn't want to go too far. After all, I _am_ only nine, right?"

"That's the point of being a supervillain, you idiot! If you're not going to go all out with this stuff, then what's the point? That's going to be like when the fatman bought that new PS3 system before we got the HDTV. He couldn't play it so instead of playing it, he used it as a fireplace and took pictures of it."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"You know what, punk, go on the _internet _and complain if you got a problem!" They approached the counter where they saw two soups ready to be delivered. Stewie pulled out a red container and opened it up. "OK, now _this_ is an act of evil. I'm going to pour this liquid into the soups and when they drink it, _BAM!_" He clapped his hands together in front of Butters's face like a thunder clap. "Herpes! Now let's watch as this stuff unravals!" He poured the stuff into the two soup bouls, which were then taken to their respective customers.

After a few sips of their hot soups, the two men were really feeling the effects of the potions. However, instead of giving them herpes like Stewie said it would, it instead put them in a state of unconsciousness. Stewie, despite being surprised he was wrong, was still pleased with the results. "Well, this is...unexpected. No seriously, I thought this was supposed to give them hepetitis. Apparently, it puts them to sleep instead. Oh well, it's still better than when I played with those firecrackers."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Stewie up in his room. He has a bunch of fireworks in one hand and a match in the other. He lights up one of his firecrackers and prepares to throw it at the house across from his, which is Cleveland's house. So he throws it and in just seconds, it not only reaches the home, but completely blows it up as well._

_The front of the house was completely destroyed. Cleveland was in the bathtub when his house exploded, and as a result, the floor started tipping, and the bathtub began sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact._

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the courthouse, the trial had resumed, and was now practically in full swing. "Your honor," Randall said as he was about to call his and Dante's next witness for Kyle. "The Plantiff calls Mr. Mackey to the stand."

Mr. Mackey, the South Park Elemntary counselor, got up from his row and made his way towards the stand. Kyle was nervous out of his mind, which was all over the place at the moment. The bailiff placed a book on the stand to which Mr. Mackey placed his left hand on and raised his right hand. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god."

"I do." The book was removed, allowing Randall to begin questioning.

"State your name and occupation."

"Uh, Mr. Mackey, and I'm the school councelor for South Park Elementary. M'kay?"

"And do you take great pride in your work?"

"Well of course. It's my favorite thing to help education children and ready their little minds for the real world."

"Permission to treat this witness as hostile." Randall asked the judge. "Mr. Mackey, if you take such pride in your work, how come you couldn't tell that there was a problem when Mr. Broflovski over there," Randall pointed into the audience towards Kyle. "threatened to beat up Eric Cartman?"

"Well, see, I--wait, was this before or _after_ the events of which little Kyle was infected with HIV?"

"Excuse me?"

"Nevermind."

Randall looked at Mr. Mackey suspiciously, but eventually decided to let it go. "Your honor, strike that from the record. Mr. Mackey, can you tell the court of any instances in which you recall of defendant Peter Griffin acting in such a hanous manner?"

"No he can't!" Kyle suddenly shouted, surprising everyone in the court, including Peter. He instantly got up and raced towards the stand to confront Mr. Mackey. "You know why?"

"Because he has a criminal record?" Randall asked stupidly.

"N-No. Because that would be _tattling_! Huh!? You remember that!?" Kyle shouted to Mr. Mackey's face in his loudest voice, actually scaring him a little bit.

"What are you tal--oh, I get it."

"Get what?"

"When I was infected with HIV, it was all because of Cartman! But when I told this guy, all he did was demand that _I _apologize to Cartman for tattling on him! I mean, what the f#ck!?"

"Now, see, Kyle, what you need to understand is--"

"NO! What _YOU _need to understand is that you're a jerk. You didn't care that Cartman intentionally infected me with the HIV virus! You didn't care that I was probably going to die had I not been cured of it!"

"But Kyle, tattling is bad!"

"Oh, well if that's so, then why are you up here tattling on Peter!"

"What?"

"You're up here at the stand testifying against Peter for things he did against me! I believe that's considered tattling!!"

"No, No Kyle, it's not the same thing!"

"Oh bullsh#t! It's totally the same thing! Admit it! You just have something against Jews! That's why you wouldn't punish Cartman!"

"Kyle, you just need to let this go, a-"

"No what I need is for you to go home! That's what I need! It's obvious you're not going to help me out here, so why don't you just go home!" Kyle was breathing hard, he kept a calm voice when he yelleda t Mr. Mackey, but the fact that he was angry wasn't hidden at all.. No one in the courtroom made a sound for the next few minutes, not even Peter.

Brian, however, did say something to himself. "Boy, this sure takes me back to the time Peter had anger issues."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to an anger management class in Quahog, in which Peter Griffin is a part of. It is graduation day, and he is about to receive his certificate of authenticity from the teacher._

_"Here you are, Mr. Griffin." The teacher said to Peter, handing him his certificate. Peter looked at it, and he was not pleased._

_"Um, listen, you spelled my name wrong." He said. "You spelled it 'Giffer', not 'Griffin'."_

_"OH. Well, it probably makes you mad, ready to boil you over, huh?"_

_"Oh no, no, not at all. I mean, that's why I came here, right?"_

_"Guess so."_

_"Just let me offer this as a rebutle." Peter smiled at his teacher, and he put the cetificate on the side and then reached for a nearby frying pan, and swung it at the side of the teacher's head hard, causing him to fall to the ground unconscious. "That's for spelling my name wrong! Do it again and I'll f#cking kill you!"_

_(End Cutaway)_

The cutaway ended, and Kyle was now asked to step up onto the stand. After swearing in with the bailiff, Randall began the questioning.

"State your name and education level."

"Kyle Broflovski, uh, I'm the 4th grade."

"Now, Mr Broflovski, it's obvious that you have some anger issues going on in your life. Can you explain where you think they originated from?"

"Probably from _that_ guy!" Kyle pointed to Peter, who took immediate offense. "Until he came into town with his family, I was fine. I mean, sure I would have an outburst now and again. But after he came into town, everything changed."

"Right, but do you believe he's the _only_ cause? I mean, do you think you've had anger issues before and you've just been bottling them up for years? I mean, you have mentioned other incidents other than this happening before, right?"

"Yeah, but I don't usually get worked up over them. They happen all the time."

"Uh-huh. Now, Mr. Broflovski, in 6th grade, did you or did you not _urinate all over the boys bathroom wall!_" Randall asked him, parodying his previous use of this in 'The Clerks'.

"What? No-I'm not in 6th grade."

"Yes or no!"

"No!"

"I remind you you're under oath!"

"NO! I'm not in 6th grade yet!"

"Your honor, strike that from the record! Kyle, if I may call you that, why should this courtroom trust such an ignorant boy such as yourself, and believe anything you say?"

"Well-"

Randall pulled out a courtroom doll without warning (the ones that kids use to tell the court where the molester touched them). "Show us on the doll where he touched you!"

"Nobody touched me!"

"Who was it!? There's no more running from your past! Who touched you?"

"F#ck you." Kyle quietly said under his breath, as he then walked back to his seat. A lot of people were a bit afraid of Kyle because of his abrut shouting towards Mr. Mackey.

"No more questions." Randall said to the judge as he walked back to the plantiff's table. It was now the defendant's turn to call up a witness.

"Your honor, if it pleases the court, I would like to present to you evidence that categorizes with this particular case." Instantly, a guy brought in a giant overhead system to which Dr. Polk was ready to operate with. "My client, Peter Griffin, has prepared for you a slideshow on Microsoft powerpoint of all of the good things he has done in his life." He turned on the machine. "May I present, Exhibit A!"

He turned onto the first slide, and was expected a slide showing him saving a kitten from a tree or something. Instead, following a group gasp from everyone in the room, he saw that it was a picture of Kyle's naked ass (one he took in the previous episode, **chapter 4 **if you forgot). Kyle was the one who was most horrified, as he felt he was now humiliated.

Dr. Polk slapped his head in frustration and let out a groan, as Peter couldn't help but laugh hysterically at the sight. He really had no idea how bad this was. He stood up and made his way to the front while still laughing. His lawyer wasn't, nor was everyone else, pleased.

"Ta-da!" He shouted raising his arms into the air, as if he had just performed a magic trick. He looked around to see if anyone would join him, and was disappointed when no one did. "What the hell is wrong with you people? Don't you have any imagination?"

"It's obvious that _their_ imagination is more thought out than _yours_!" Dr. Polk yelled to Peter! "I mean, what the hell is this, anyway? What does this have to do with doing good things?"

"What could be better than a child's bear behind! I mean, everything about it is just so awesome and sexy! It's big, tight, and it has a big red spot on the right cheek. Look at that, w-what is that? What _is _that, anyway?'

"That is a hemorrhoid, Mr Griffin."

"Oh. Oh well, it's still sexy, and ever time I look at it, I just want to stick my face in it and rub it all over! Don't you!?"

"No, sir, I don't! It's one thing when it's a baby involved because it's cute. But when a grown man does it to a small 9-year old boy, it's pedophelic."

"I have no idea what you just said because I don't speak Muslim. But, I do know this:" Just as everyone was tuning in to see what Peter would say, he instead gave a loud burp that traveled throughout the entire courtroom. Dr. Polk, in complete agony, cupped his eyebrows and then went back to sit down at his table. Peter was left standing as he turned off the machine. "Ladies and gentlement of the court, I would like to call up my first witness. Uh, your honor, does the roof open up."

"Umm...sure, why?" He asked as he opened up the roof. Peter pulled out aremote and pressed a button. A mild explosion was heard more than 400 miles away from the house, as a bathtub was launched from the home and it traveled all the way across the skies and to the courthouse. Bathtub water began to drip from the skies where the opening was.

It turns out it was Cleveland whose house exploded, and who was about to crash in the courthouse. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub came into the room and slammed into the ground, breaking on impact. He was dazed and confused as everyone else was, as he looked around at his new surroundings. Peter threw him a yellow shirt and dark blue pants.

"Cleveland, get changed. You're testifying for me." He said calmly as Cleveland grabbed the clothes and ran out quickly so nobody would see.

Meanwhile, outside, a few hundred feet away from the house, Stewie and Butters had taken notice to this apparent explosion. They had no idea what was going on, but were sure as hell curious.

"Holy jeez, what the heck happened?" Butters asked Stewie.

"Well, whatever it was, I'm sure Peter Griffin was involved. I can feel it in my gut. Or that could be the 32 oz. of Cola I drank this morning. Oh well, come on, let's go grafitti the school."

* * *

It was now Cleveland's turn to testify for Peter.

"Now, Mr. Cleveland," Dr. Polk began to a slightly afraid Cleveland. "How long have you known my client, Peter Griffin, for?"

"Oh, we go way back. I say at least 15 years."

"And can you describe any of the good things or good deeds that Peter Griffin has performed for you or anyone else in his life?"

"Oh that's easy. There was this one time where he helped a guy...no wait, he's suing him. Oh, but there was this other time where Peter ac--oh no, Peter's suing him. Wait, I got it!...No, nevermind, Peter gave him liver cancer."

"So the answer is no, then?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Very well. Now Mr. Cleveland, before today, has Mr. Griffin shown any signs of child pedophilia."

"What!? No! He's not a child pedophile! He's just retarded!"

"Oh thanks alot, you jerk!!" Peter shouted to Cleveland, giving him the finger as he did so.

"Peter has a hard time thinking for himself. He's kinda like the opposite of us. Whatever we think is the right thing to do, for him it's wrong, and when it's the wrong thing to do, for us it's right. I mean, it's like when you're trying to get someone who's brain damaged to say their own name. You can try all you want, but it just ain't happening."

"What the hell are you talking about."

"I mean, sure they may jiggle their hands around a bit and show they're not dead, but they're dead. They're dead inside."

"You can step down now."

"It's like being a vegetable except you hear everything around you and you choose not tor respond."

"Mr. Brown, please step down!" Mr. Polk finally shouted into Cleveland's face. Cleveland didn't budge expression wise, but obeyed and stepped down from the podium. Mr. Polk groaned and buried his face in his hands.

**End of Chapter 4!**

**Next Time: The trial continues and so does Butters & Stewie's evil reign of terror. What else could go wrong?**

**Expected Update: June 7th.**

**Next Update: Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle! -- June 7th.**


	6. Sick, Sick, and Phil Lewis!

**South Park**

**Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!**

**Chapter 5: Sick, Sick, and Phil Lewis!**

**Disclaimer: _South __Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-14-DLSV (Rated T on the site)**

* * *

"Dialogue"

_'Thoughts', __Long-distance conversations (such as on the phone), song lyrics, or cutaways/flashbacks_

(Kenny's lines)

**_"Voice-overs, either from a flashback in present time, or from present time during a Flashback."_**

* * *

Meanwhile, over at the South Park Elementary School, Stewie and Butters were busy grafitting the schools. While both seem interested, Butters was more into it for the fun of it rather than the evil of it. It only took them a few minutes to complete it.

Stewie was excited to reveal his to Butters. "Hey Butters, come here! Look what I wrote. I wrote 'Scram! No gays allowed! That's every children, adult, lesbian, and Russian in South Park. No wait, not the Russians. But no Blacks, though. OK, Blacks.'"

"Hehe heh heh! That's pretty good, there." Butters complimented, feeling pretty confident about his own grafitti. He turned and revealed his grafitti, which was just a drawing of a flame. "How about mine? Pretty evil, huh?"

"T-That's it? That's all you drew? A flame?"

"Well, flames are evil, aren't they? I mean, look at those dang California wildfires."

"Yes. _Wild_fires."

"They're still fires, though."

"I'm not really sure you're getting this whole '_evil_' concept."

"Sure I do. I do things that make people unhappy, and I watch them suffer for it. Isn't that evil?"

"No, man. Come with me." Stewie took Butters's shoulder and took him on a walk down the sidewalk. "Look man, to be evil, you have to be willing to do something that breaks all barriers. You know, something that you'd dare never try, but you want to anyway because it's fun to watch people die."

"Watch people die!? Oh heavens no!"

"Well, buddy, I hate to tell you this, but unless you do that, you're not really evil. Eventually, every evil supervillain ends up killing at least one person. Whether it's by accidental or intentional is entirely up to fate."

"But I don't want to kill people! That's mean!"

"Oh come on! Isn't there at least one person out there that's ever made you really angry for no apparent reason -- _besides your parents_!?" Stewie knew Butters was immediately going to say his parents, recalling all the times he had been punished for things that either weren't even his fault, or were out of his control.

"Well, there's this fat kid in my class -- Cartman -- he's always tricking me into doing stupid stuff. He even tried to put his penis into my mouth to trick my parents into thinking I was gay. In fact, they still think that!!"

"Parents are tools, man. Just like the rest of the world."

"What do you mean?"

"Let me explain." This was right about the time that Stewie would randomly break into a musical number.

_**Stewie: **As someday it may happen that a victim must be found.  
I've got a little list, I've got a little list.  
Of socitey offenders who might well be underground,  
and who never would be missed, who never would be missed._

The first verse was followed by a montage of people that Stewie would kill if it ever came down to that (in order, of course)

_Theres the white kid with the baggy clothes who's talking like hes black.  
The girl you date who doesnt get the jokes in Caddyshack.  
The Asian guy who cuts infront of every single line,  
and Britney Spears for accidently showing her vagine.  
And Bill 'O Rileys ineffective dermatoligist.  
May none of them be missed, may none of them be missed._

_**Men: **He's got them on the list.  
He's got them on the list.  
And may none of them be missed.  
May none of them be missed._

The back-up singers performed a short dance number as Stewie took Butters further into his musical number, showing him what it actually means to be evil.

_There's the guy behind the news reporter waving like a fool  
And senator Bill Frist, I've got him on the list.  
And the fat kid smiling warmly while hes peeing in the pool.  
He never would be missed, he never would be missed._

_There's the foul smelling boy who comes to school in camoflauge,  
and every bleeding member of the cast of Entourage.  
And while we are on the subject HBO deserves a whack  
For ending the Soppranos with a f*cking cut to black.  
And guys who when you shake there hand just bump you with there fist.  
I don't think theyd be missed, I'm sure theyd not be missed._

_**Men: **He's got them on the list.  
He's got them on the list.  
And may none of them be missed.  
May none of them be missed._

As Stewie & Butters boarded the plane to the next stop on their tour, Stewie held up two middle fingers to the camera, and then boarded the plan with Butters.

_There's the guy who sits beside you and keeps farting on the plane.  
And Shakira's lyricist, I've got him on the list.  
And the smarty on Thanksgiving who says its the "trip to fame".  
He never would be missed, he never would be missed_

_There's the blonde who tells you loudly with a  
Voice just like a knife "you know someone should  
Do a sitcom based around my life!"  
The guy who watched "The Simpsons" back in 1994,  
and won't admit the damn thing isn't funny anymore.  
And a-n-y-one and everyone who's ever made me pissed!_

_I've got them on the list  
May none of them be missed.  
May none of them be missed!_

Another short dance number involving the back-up singers splashing around in a pool, and Stewie jumping into the pool high up from a diving board. At that point, the song ends. Butters seemed very impressed and dazed by the song, though in reality he actually did not understand what the song was entailing.

"Wow, that was great!"

"Well thank you! Now do you get it!?"

"Yes. Why, yes I do I get it now. After all these years, it's finally clear! I'm going to go take a baby's rattle and make 'em cry!" Butters shouted in triumph as he took his leave and started running away towards a baby carrige. Stewie was once again not impressed, and was even nearing the end of his rope.

"Hey, we've been at this all day! Why don't we just take a break and go grab a soda!?" He managed to yell before Butters was out of ear-shot.

* * *

Meanwhile, over at the courthouse, the trial was about to continue after a four hour lunch break. So far, it was really dead even because both sides had no idea what they were doing. Everyone took their seats.

Stan noticed that Kyle was looking a bit pale and horrified, like he had been violated or something. "Kyle, you ok, dude? You look like somebody touched you."

"I-I don't want to talk about it." Was his only response. It was as if Kyle was staring off into space.

"Your honor, the plantiff calls to the stand Mr. Stanley Marsh." Dante Hicks said as Stan approached the bench. He was sweared in, and Dante began the questioning.

"Now, Mr. Marsh, how long have you known Mr. Kyle Broflovski?"

"Um, since about pre-school."

"Is he known to be angry? I mean, does he always show signs of rage and anger, or is it just in those rare, tense moments?"

"OH just in those moments. No, normally he's pretty calm and it's great to hang out with him. We play video games, eat sugary snakcs, make fun of Cartman-"

"UP yours, asshole!!"

"I see. Now, how would you describe your friend?"

"Oh boy. Um, he's definitely a nice guy. Uh, he cares alot a people. You know, he's not one of those jerks who just stands there to listen to your problems and then goes home and mocks them in private." Stan's little outburst caused Kyle to sink in his seat a little bit, but not enough for anyone to notice.

"Anything else?"

"OH yeah, when he gets angry, he tends to yell or scream. OH wait, that's not good. Uh...he definitely has some anger issues to work on...and sometimes, when Cartman finds a way to work around the laws of phsycis, Kyle has to be a buzzkill and ruin his fun."

"On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the angriest, and 10 being the calmest, how would you rate your friend on a normal day."

"Um, I'd give him about a 7. You know, 'cause he's always so paranoid about his Jewish heritage, Cartman's crazy antics, and now apparently, Peter's insane antics. You know, and he's always getting sick 'cause of his diabetes and other stuff, too. This kid, he-he just can't catch a break."

"Thank you. You may step down." Stan did so as Dante turned to Randall. "Your honor, if it pleases the court, I would like to turn the questioning over to my partner in crime, Randall."

Randall stood up slowly as Dante took his seat. "Your honor, I would like to call to the stand Mr. Christopher Cross Griffin."

"AHAHAHAHA! SUCKER!" Chris shouted and looked triumphant for a moment...before realizing that he had just been called to the bench. "Oh wait, that's me. OH no." He stood up silently, hung his head down, and trudged towards the bench, was sweared in, and prepared himself for the torture.

"State your name and education level."

"Christopher Griffin, and I'm going to be a sophomore this September! Yay me!" Then he started clapping his hands really fast for no apparent reason. Randall stopped him before CHris could go any further.

"Now, Mr. Griffin, you have know your father your entire life, right?"

"14 years. 14 crazy, f#cked up years."

"And has he ever done anything as crazy as the chargtes that are against him?"

"Excuse me, have you ever met my dad? He does this stuff, like, once a day! He can't even go a full night without having to do something insanely retarded! Take two nights ago, for example..."

_(Cue Flashback)_

_We flashback to two nights earlier, where Chris Griffin is walking down the streets of his neighborhood, holding a video game called 'Rehab Hero'_

_**"I was walking home from the video game store, just minding my business. I had just bought this weird game called 'Rehab Hero'. You know, the one where you get chased by a dragon, but you never actually get caught becasue the game producers were dumb enough to let Regis Philbin be involved in it." **_

_"Oh boy, I love drug-based games!" Chris exclaimed for no reason. "This is gonna be the best game ever! Well, other than the Halo series, of course." Chris continued walking for the next moment until he started hearing some faint stirring around. He had no idea what it was._

**_"I heard a sound, and I had no idea what it was. But I did see that it was coming from little Kyle's house. So I snuck over there with no one noticing, and I stared at the open window that led to his room."_**

_Chris listened very carefully to who was in the room. He could very barely see Peter's silloute casting from the shadows onto the wall, and the whispering was coming from him._

**_"I heard somebody talking, and the guy in the shadows looked like my dad, so I just felt the need to investigate. After all, one person can only take so much Peter, right?"_**

**_"I hear you, man."_ **Randall responded. "**_I hear you."_**

**_"Anyway, so I foudn a rope just sitting there next to the window, and I started climbing up, and as I did, the noises became much, much, much clearer."_**

_What Chris did not know was that inside Kyle's room was Peter and Bebe, and Peter had a camera with him. Kyle was out like a light, and not even a hord of Buffalos could wake him up._

_Bebe was looking very estatic, as she got lost in the sight of Kyle's ass (**A reference to the episode "Clubhouses")**_

_"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Bebe asked him. "I mean, the kid just got out of a hospital for god's sake. I mean, don't get me wrong. I want to sleep on his perked cheeks just as much as the next girl-"_

_"Yes, I'm sure Ajay Rochester would love that."_

_"But even I'm not that desperate."_

_"Look, we-we're not really doing anything wrong. Look, you just lay your head on his ass like that, I take a few pictures, we scram, and it's as if nothing had ever happened."_

_"OK." Bebe was nervous, as she knew what they were doing could be jail-threatening. So she carefully lied her head on Kyle's perked ass, (he was too tired to notice it anyway), as Peter started snapping away. Bebe was becoming way too comfortable to notice that Chris was slowly coming up on the window. He was truly horrified with what he had heard._

_"Wow, I had no idea that dad was such a pedophile. And to little boys, too!" Chris whispered to himself as he climbed up high enough to peer just through the bottom of the window, and he saw Peter snapping away at his camera, with Bebe resting comfortably. This was so disturbing to Chris that he had actually started to screaming._

**_"So I climbed up the rope, right? And when I get to the window, I peer over and see my dad snapping at this little girl who's sleeping on Kyle's little perked ass, and the kid's so out of it he doesn't even realize it. Now, my first reaction, naturally, was to scream."_**

_"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" Chris screamed when he saw this. This, in turn, caused Peter to scream as well. They were both screaming very loudly, but not loud enough to wake Kyle's parents. The force of Chris's screams, though, caused his ladder to tilt back and eventually caused him to crash land into the street._

_"Peter immediately knew he was in deep trouble. "OH crap! Come on, kid, we gotta go!" He said as he frantically started to shake Bebe awake, but to no avail. He quickly realized that the girl had actually fallen asleep on Kyle's ass. Apparently, she was still in love with Kyle, and she only agreed to do this with Peter just to get her wish (to sleep on Kyle's perked cheeks, and use his ass as a hat)._

_"Just five more minutes, mom..." She mumbled,as Peter was quickly getting annoyed by the lack of cooperation from Bebe._

_Peter was trying to think of a plan to get her out of there, but the fact that he knew he was way in over his head, and the sounds of Bebe and Kyle's snores weren't helping him think. "SON OF A BITCH! Alright, Peter, it's all up to you! AAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" He shouted as he started running towards the window, jumped out frantically, and fell to the ground with a plop._

**_"I'm not exactly sure what had happened after I had fallen from the home. The last thing I remember seeing is my dad jumping out of the window, plopping on the ground, and then running like hell back home."_**

_(End Flashback)_

"Wow, that is probably the most horrifying and disgusting story I have ever heard in my entire life." Randall calmly, almost silently, commented after the story had ended. Everyone in the courtroom, even the judge, and the jury, were all shocked and horrified, Kyle and Bebe possibly the most, Kyle because he had only found out about it earlier that day, and Bebe because she knew she was way in over her head on this one.

"You know, I even heard from Joe & Cleveland that my dad never even gave the girl those pics he took." Chris leaned in close to Randall and whispered "She's still really pissed about it so if you run into her, don't mention it."

"OK..."

The courtroom was silent for a moment. Kyle and Bebe both angrily glared at "Peter" for a moment (notice the air quotes). The entire courtroom was practically glaring at Peter in shock and anger, even the judge and jury.

Speaking of the jury, the two "odd men out" of the jury (Stan and Roger from American Dad) were so disgusted and outraged by the trial that they slowly stood up from their seats, walked out of the jury's box, gave the finger to "Peter", and then walked out quietly, not looking back.

Randall turned his attention back to Chris. "So, Mr. Griffin, do you have any other examples you can use? Possibly one not as sexually harassing?"

"Um...uh, oh! Oh, there was this other time where my dad tried to invent his own variation to skating."

_(Cue CUtaway)_

_We cutaway to the Griffin home where everyone in on the couch except for Peter, who is upstairs by the staircase._

_"Hey guys, check it out!" Peter yelled down to them, gathering thier attention. "I've invented my own variation to skating. Ass-riding!"_

_"Peter, what are you talking about?" Lois asked._

_"Just watch, just watch." He suddenly jumped onto the rail and started sliding down it. What he failed to realize, though, was that the guardrail was extremely sharp, like a blade. It was so sharp, in fact, that the moment Peter jumped onto it and rode it, it cut right through his anus, and blood started coming out, along with pieces of both his intestine and his skin. He was screeching in mortal pain as his family watched in horror. When he reached the bottom, he crashed into the little pole at the end, flipped backward, and landed on his stomach._

_He was wincing and crying in pain. "OWWW! OW! MY SCROTUM! MY RECTUM! MY DIGNITY!"_

_(End Cutaway)_

"He busted his genitals so hard we had to go to the hospital."

"And this was when, like, 3 months ago?"

"Try 3 _hours_ ago, dude."

"Well, given that, how do you explain to me that your father is sitting right there in the dfendant'st table?" Randall asked, pointing to "Peter". Everyone started stirring up speculation to this story. "Peter" was looking very nervous until...

The doors busted open and a guy that looked just like Peter came in in a wheelchair, with casts on both his testicles and his rectum. "Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I had to get my scrotuem reattached."

Everyone's jaw dropped to the floor when they saw that there were two Peters currently in the room. "What?"

"B-B-But how can there be _two_ Peters!!??" Lois shouted in shock and disbelief. Brian took a close look at the Peter in the wheelchair, and the Peter at the table. He immediately could tell the difference between the two.

"M-Mickey McFinnigan? Is that-Is that you?" Brian asked the Peter at the defendant table. Lois was skeptical of this accusation, but kept her mouth shut as to not look like a total bitch. Besides, her question wa soon answered when the Peter at the table put on a gray woolcap-like hat.

"Top of the mornin' to ya, laddies!" He shouted in an Irish tone as he waved his hand towards Brian. It turns out that the Peter who was sitting at the table was actually Peter's Irish father, Mickey McFinnigan. Mickey had gotten a clean shave of his beard, trimmed his hair to look like Peter's, and dyed it brown. Jus tto take his place while Peter got his genitals fixed up. Brian, Lois, Chris, Meg, and everyoen else's jaw dorpped to the floor once again, as they were dumbfounded by what was happening.

"What the f#ck!?" Was the only response from Dante that the court got.

**End of Chapter 5!**

**Next Time: What the f#ck!? Mickey was sitting in for Peter!? And now Peter has arrived!? What the hell is going on, and how could this possibly end well!?**

**Expected Update: June 6th.**


	7. insanity, Yeah Really

**South Park**

**Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!**

**Chapter 6: Insanity...Yeah, really.**

**A/N: I'm probably making this the last chapter. Yeah, I know it's short and sweet. But, it's obviously you guys weren't disappointed with this. And I promise, as soon as I'm done with this, I'll get started on episode 4. I'm holding off on my other fanfics for a little while because I really love writing the "Family Guy's Road Trip" series. It's so much fun!**

**Disclaimer: _South __Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-14-DLSV (Rated T on the site)**

* * *

"Dialogue"

_'Thoughts', __Long-distance conversations (such as on the phone), song lyrics, or cutaways/flashbacks_

(Kenny's lines)

**_"Voice-overs, either from a flashback in present time, or from present time during a Flashback."_**

* * *

Meanwhile, across town, over at a South Park bar, Stewie and Butters were getting a drink while they took a break from their "acts of evil", which, let's be honest, haven't been going so well for either of them. Butters was trying to be really evil, but had no idea what it truly meant, and Stewie was losing it trying to teach him. Not even a musical montage was enough to convince him.

So, almost ready to give up, the two went to a bar, where they met Token, Butters's black friend.

"OK, OK, here's one." Stewie and the others were having a great time, telling jokes, laughing, not thinking about Peter. "So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what kind of drink he should recommend. The bartender recommends a grasshopper. So the guys orders a grasshopper. Then he's walking him, he notices a grasshopper, and he says 'Hey. Do you know there's a drink named after you?' and the grasshopper goes 'You mean there's a drink named Irving'?"

The three boys broke out into laughter. "Oh man, that's a good one!"

"Yeah. Oh OK, I got one." Token said stopping the laughter. "A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says 'Hey, why the longface."

Again, laughter. "Oh man, that's good. It's short, but sweet." Stewie commented. They were all having lots of fun, but their fun was suddenly interrupted by the guy next to them...which actually wasn't a guy. It was a horse. (A reference to an episode of **Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy**)

"Hey! Screw you!"

"Whoa, dude!"

"What the hell, man!" Stewie shouted.

"What's your problem, bro." Butters asked the horse.

"You guys are my problem, dudes. That joke is offensive."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry not everyone conforms to your preconceived notions of attractiveness."

"It's a joke, man!" Stewie shouted.

"Yeah, lighten up. No need to get so defensive." Token assured, but there was no point in trying. The horse was too damn stubborn.

"Oh. Oh yeah, it's a joke? OK, how about this. 'Why are there so few black baseball players'?"

"Why?"

"Because they're always stealing bases! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The horse laughed maniacally into Token's face, while Token couldn't help but find the joke offensive."

"Whoa, now that _is_ offensive!"

"Yeah, what the hell's your problem, man!?" Stewie cried out.

"Hey, it's a joke, man."

"Yeah, but it's racist!" Token pointed out.

"Yeah!"

"Oh, so the horse with the longface told a racist joke."

"T-That's different!" Butters shouted.

"Yeah, man."

"Oh yeah, how's it different."

"You know, it just occured to me that you have like a baker's dozen drinks with you, and you haven't touched any of them?" Stewie said, pointing out the 13 shots of beer that were in front of the horse, and all of them untouched.

"Uh, hello? Einstein? Hooves. No freakin' thumbs. Can't pick up a glass." The horse attempted to pick up a glass with his hooves, but failed miserably.

"Then why are you in a bar?" Butters asked.

"Bite me, that's why. Douchebag." Token explained.

"Look, look. I think we all got off on the wrong foot."

"Yeah, you got that right."

"We're sorry. OK?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too. I was wa out of line with that racist joke."

"Look. I'm Butters, and this is my friend, Token."

"And I'm Stewie."

The horse was hesitant for a moment, but eventually held out its hoove. "Sarah Jessica Parker." All three friends stared at the horse for a moment before finally, Stewie pulled out a pistol and shot the horse blind in its chest. He turnred to Butters and Token. "Uh, hey, the trial's probably ending soon. You guys wanna go and testify against my father."

"Sure."

"That sounds like fun."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the court...it had just been revealed that Mickey McFinnigan had been sitting in for Peter at court that day while Peter was at the hospital getting his testicles reattached.

"Mickey McFinnigan!?" Lois blurted out. "W-What the hell is going on here?"

Peter slowly wheeled himself out to Lois to explain the whole thing. "Oh well you see, I had to get my testicles fixed, you know, so I asked my Drunken Irish Dad, Mickey, to fill in for me. I shaved his beard, dyed his hair, and taught him everything about me, which, ironically, he already knew."

"Peter, I am your father. How could I have not?"

"True."

Randall and Dante were about fed up with the nonsense that Peter was giving them. So, in a last ditch effort, Randall attempted to call up one final witness.

"Your honor, if it pleases the court, the plaintiff wishes to call up one last witness." Randall said, garnering everyone's attention again. "This next witness has been there from the beginning. He has been closely observing the details of this case from afar, and has about 25 copies of pictures of that little boy's ass. Ladies and Gentlemen of the court, the plaintiff calls to the stand...silent Bob."

"_What_!?" Dante shouted into Randall's face. "Are you f#cking nuts, dude!?!?"

Silent Bob, Randall and Dante's old friend, who is also a friend of a drug addict named Jay, slowly approached the bench. He wore a black coat, a gray hat & shirt, and smoked a cigarette. He was being sweared in.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?" The bailiff asked him, waiting an answer. The whole courtroom stood in silence waiting for an answer. But, living up to his name, Silent Bob just stood there and grinned sheepishly.

"If the witness won't speak, he's dismissed." The judge said as calmly as possibly as he banged his gavel.

"F#CK!" Randall cursed out as Silent Bob returned to his seat. "You always do this to me! Everytime I need you, you f#ck up! Thanks a lot!" Feeling defeated, Randall sank down into his seat. "And to think this case would've been over with my case-winning question."

"Which is?" Kyle asked him.

"Why the hell's he called Silent Bob anyway?"

Kyle groaned and put his head down on the seat, thinking that he was screwed. It was only when he suspected that someone was spying on him that he lifted his head up. He looked behind him and saw that three seats down, Bebe was staring at his ass. "What the hell are you looking are, pervert!?" He shouted causing Bebe to look away.

The judge was just about at the end of his rope. "OK, that's it. We will now move to the closing statements. Dr. Polk?"

Dr. Polk stood up and cleared his throat. "My client is retarded. Please don't send him to jail." Was all that he said before he sat down. Frankly, he didn't have anything else to give, so that was all he had. "Look, my client is retarded. That's all I got."

"Mr. Graves?"

"Make this good, Randall." Dante said. "This is our last chance." Randall was very confident in his ability to win the jury over in his opening statement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the court, why the hell's he called Silent Bob anyway?"

Kyle slapped his head in anger once again, as he was really getting pissed off at the fact that this trial was getting nowhere. But he didn't want to say anything so as not to receive any back talk from anyone.

"OK. Now if there's nothing else, the jury will be sent out to deliberate and then the court will resume after they've made their decision."

* * *

The courtroom was dismissed at the jury was allowed to make their decision. It only took them a short time for them to make their decision. It was kind of obvious, too, who was guilty. (If you think this is the end of the story, just keep reading) But, unfortunately, since it was quitting time, the verdict hearing was post-poned until the following day.

"Has the jury reached a verdict?" THe judge asked the jury. Stan (Smith) stood up holding a piece of paper and cleared his throat.

"We have, your honor. In the case of South Park vs. Peter Griffin, we the jury find in favor of...the defendant." Everyone on the plantiff side let out shocked gasps.

"Bummer." THe judge said silently. "Well, if there's nothing else, Mr. Griffin, you are hereby free to go." The judge banged his gavel, and the trial ended.

Kyle, horrified by the end results, couldn't help but let out a loud scream of terror, enough to shake the entire courtroom! "AAAAAHHHHHHHH!-"

**--------------------  
--------------------**

"--HHHHHHHHAAAA!" The scream continued until finally, Kyle awakened from his horrid slumber. Turns out that the trial was not real at all, just a part of Kyle's nightmare. He looked around frantically to see his parents standing there. "W-W-Wha-"

"It's alright, bubby. It was just a bad dream."

"Tell me about it."

"Now come on and get dressed." Gerald said. "We have to get to the courthouse."

**

* * *

**

Everyone gathered into the courthouse, including the judge, the baillif, and the jury.

"Has the jury reached the verdict?" The judged asked the jury. Stan (Smith) stood up holding the paper with the verdict on it.

"In the case of _South Park vs. Peter Griffin_, we the jury find in favor of...Randall, the best lawyer in the world, and give him $10 Million!" Suddenly, two cannons that were located on the ends of the room shot out confetti as everyone stood up and gave Randall as standing ovation as the baillif handed him the check. Dante came riding up shirtless, in a wheelchair, and wearing a 'DUNCE' hat.

"I'm Dante. And I'm the biggest idiot ever!"

**--------------------  
--------------------**

Randall opened his eyes as he realized that the entire thing was just a dream. "Oh I've got to put that one in my dream journal."

* * *

In a basketball court that seemed to be in nowhere, Stan Smith was dribbling a basketball and running towards the basket, hoping to make the shot. He stopped by the 3-point line, and makes a jump shot, which swooshes right into the basket. The crowd in the wudience cheers as Stan realizes he is the #1 basketball player...

**--------------------  
--------------------**

In his dreams. Stan awoke to the shaking of his wife, Francine. "Stan, Stan, wake up." Stan slowly stirred awake before catching a glimpse of his wife, Francine. "We're going to be late for the trial."

"Oh, god, Francine. I had the weirdest dream."

"Was it about your jump shot again? Stan, I told you your jumpshot is not that good."

"That's because you don't have faith in it!"

Roger, their pet alien, came into the room holding a five dollar bill in his hand. "Hey Stan, the court gave us five dollars for breakfast this morning. I wish this trial would never end."

* * *

It was the day of the verdict hearing. Everybody was anxious to hear from the jury so as to put Peter in prison for good. Everybody hated him. No, wait, that's a bit strong. Nobody really hates Peter (except mayber for Kyle of course), but they all...well, they just really didn't like him very much.

"Baillif, bring in the jury." The judge said, banging his gavel as everyone else took their seats.

"Hey, are you the biggest idiot ever?" Randall asked Dante as the jury settled in.

"No, he is!" Dante pointed to Peter, who was currently playing with bubble wrap.

"OK, this isn't a dream." Randall turned behind him and tapped Kyle's shoulder. "Good luck."

Meanwhile, a few miles down, Stewie, Butters, and Token were desperately running towards the courtroom to testify against Peter. They were still far away from it and probably wouldn't make it.

"Damn! At this rate, we'll never make it!" Stewie said aloud, his confidence fading. There was little hope they were get there before the trial ended, but that became the least of their problesm when a car going at over 120 mph came speeding past them towards the courthouse. "Hey, watch it, bitch!" Stewie yelled to the car driver! "There's some children here! Damn these people! Those speed racers annoy the crap out of me. And did you see that hummer he was driving? What kind of jerk would drive one of those?"

**(Get ready for a reference to Family Guy's "Hell Comes to Quahog")**

"Dude, this car kicks ass!" The guy driving the hummer said loudly. "And I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving."

The man driving the hummer was actually watching the movie "Madagascar".

"What kind of music do you listen to?" Alex the Lion asked Gloria the Hippo."

"_Hippo-_hop. Yahoo! Yeah, baby!"

"HAHAHAHAHA! Dude, these animals are so f#cking funny they make me want to crash into a courthouse and run over some kid without looking!"

What none of them knew, though, was the car was heading towards the courthouse. And the worst part of it was that the jury was about to read their deliberation. "Has the jury reached a verdict?" The judge asked the jury as everyone settled in. Meanwhile, outside, the idiot driving that car was now coming up on the courthouse.

Roger (still in disguise of course) stood up and read the paper. "In the case of _South Park vs. Peter Griffin_, we find in favor it..."

But, just as Stan was about to read the verdict, the idiot drove his hummer right into the courthouse, crashing right into the jury's booth, hitting Smith and knocked him back into the wall across the room. The guy turned his car slowly towards Kyle, and then began to rev up. Kyle was scared half to death, so scared that he couldn't bring himself to run away.

Peter saw this immediately, and while everybody else was running and screaming for their lives, Peter was focused on Kyle. As soon as the hummer driver started rushing towards Kyle, Peter took his run towards Kyle, and shoved him out of the way and allowed himself to take the hit from the car. He wasn't badly damaged, though.

Everyone ran over to Peter and Kyle to see if they were alright. They were helped up and then brought together. "You-You pushed me out of the way of that maniac."

"OF course I did. I don't wanna see kids get run over by hummers."

"BUt-But I thought you hated me because you kept harassing me and making Bebe sleep on my ass."

"Are you kidding? I only do that to kids I like the most. And your friend over there is only #2 on my list." Peter said to Kyle, referring to Stan (Marsh), who took major offense to this, covering his behind before Peter could get a hold of it.

"I wonder what you do to people you hate."

"Oh absolutely nothing. I just leave them alone. I don't find people I don't care for worth my time."

Everyone started to look at Peter in a crazy fashion, again. Nobody could believe how freakin' retarded he was acting. Fed up with it all, Stan (Smith) got up from his jurer's seat, and walked up behind Peter and tapped him lightly on the shoulder.

"Hey fatso!"

"Huh?" Peter turned around lazily to look Stan (Smith) in the yes, and then meet up with his fist, which went right into his mouth, knocking him unconscious. Everyone stood there, mezmorized for a moment before Smith finally spoke. "Kid, don't ever let yourself get fat. Let's leave it at that."

Roger soon joined them all. "Um, excuse me, everyone, there's a kid in an orange parka dead and covered in blood in the bathroom. He apparently drowned himself in the toilet, as I found his blood to be extremely dilated. Does this kid belong to anyone?" Roger asked him. Nobody made a sitr because Kenny dies all the time, so they really saw no panic in that (ironically, neither did Peter).

At that moment, Death came in, wearing his usual black cloak and carrying his scythe. "Excuse me, I'm looking for a 'Kenny McCormick'."

"Yeah, he's in there." Roger replied, pointing to the bathroom.

"Death? What are you doing here?" Peter asked.

"Uh, are you serious? Someone just _died_. I have to collect the body." Death stormed past them and went into the bathroom to collect the dead Kenny McCormick. As he trudged past them, a small box materialized in front of their eyes. Stan went to open the box, ad pulled out a black T-shirt.

"What the hell is that?" Kyle asked curiously.

"It's a T-shirt. 'My friend, Kenny McCormick, just died, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

"Now that's not nice." Kyle commented, completely oblivious to the fact that that was actually what the T-shirt said.

"No, that's what it says, dude. Look." Stan handed Kyle the T-shirt. "My friend, Kenny McCormick, just died, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

"Wow, that's very poetic." Peter commented. "It's as if Death was actually at the events of September 11th." Everyone once again looked at Peter. Feeling fed up, Brian, Lois, Chris, Meg, and everyone else in the courtroom left and left Peter all alone, trying to figure out why "everybody is being such a douchebag?"

Meanwhile, outside, Stewie, Butters, and Token had just arrived, and were ready to testify. "Hey Brian!" Stewie yelled to Brian as Brian came down thes stairs of the courthouse.m "What'd I miss?"

"Nothing." Brian commented coldly. "Absolutely nothing." Brian sulked as Cleveland came up from behind him and then walked towards the streets. He was quickly, however, hit by an oncoming car. The car was going so fast that it actually carried Cleveland back to his house. Cleveland's legs gave out so there was no way of running to safety.

The entire front of it was destroyed, including the floor where Cleveland's bathtub was. The floorboard slowly started tipping towards the ground and the bathtub slowly started sliding off. "No, no, NO, NO, NO, **NO!**" Cleveland yelled as the bathtub fell off the floorboard and hit Cleveland smack-on, causing him to collapse to the ground, with shards of bathtub stuck in his body.

**The End!**

**Sorry if the ending was a bit too rushed. But, I hope you enjoyed reading it as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Next Time: It's time for a little visit to Amity Park, the home of the ghost-boy that stole our hearts! NO!! How many times do I have to say it!? It's not Bob Saget!**

**Expected Update: June 11th.**

**Next Update: Family Guy's Road Trip -- Danny Phantom -- June 11th.**


End file.
